Dear Alexa

Ontario is really big.

Evan Spence | 2001-09-11

Alexa McDonough, MP
Suite 319A—7071 Bayers Road
Halifax, NS B3L 2C2

Dear Alexa:

Howdy. Please allow me to make my own introduction. I am Evan Spence, and my wife and I just moved from Calgary to Halifax.

After a torturous, 5,500 kilometre trek over six days and more than 60 hours on the road, I was surprised to find I already had mail awaiting my arrival. You had sent me, via the Queen’s bulk post, a copy of your Summer 2001 Report, in which you describe what you have been doing with your summer as the Honourable Member of Parliament for the riding of Halifax, and as national leader of the New Democratic Party. Thank you!

In your report you also describe some of your ongoing ideas and your commitment to Canadians in general, and Haligonians in particular. I sure do like that word, Haligonians.

First and most obviously, Ontario is too damn big. We drove like mad until 11:00 PM one day, and didn’t make it any further east than Sault Saint-Marie. Talk about frustrating! After that it was another long day just to get to Ottawa. Madness! It previously took us only part of a day to get through Manitoba and Saskatchewan was also only a single day haul. I simply can’t understand why we allow Ontario to consume more than its fair share of our Trans-Canadian driving experience.

So in the name of fairness I am proposing that we break up Ontario into at least three provinces, like this: We take that whole Toronto-Golden-Horseshoe mess and call that Ontario. They think they’re all of Ontario anyway, so that will work nicely. The rest we split in two somewhere, maybe near North Bay. We can name those provinces pretty much anything we want, although I would propose nothing reminiscent of Ontario, since the objective here is to lessen the amount of driving in that province.

Maybe we could use modern high-tech-sounding names, like Decepticon or Deep Woods 9. If we were to follow the Canadian Football League’s naming conventions, we could call the half containing Ottawa Sask Atchewan.

The additional benefit to splitting up Ontario would be the immediate push toward Senate reform from the newly minted, and marginalized, Mini-’tarios. You remember senate reform, right? Seems like no one talks much about it anymore.

Second, your report points out that unnamed corporations are trying to drain lakes in Ontario (Deep Woods 9?) and Newfoundland, and divert at least one river in B.C. for the purposes of supplying fresh water to the U.S. You call for a national ban on all bulk water exports.

I think that with a little better description of the style and execution of these proposed bulk water exports, you and your party would probably come to agree that this could be a great thing for all of Canada.

I say that we should go ahead and commit to large water deals, with pipelines, contracts, and firm delivery—the whole kit and caboodle. But the key is this: we will only bulk ship water in little green 20 cL labelled, capped bottles. Like Perrier, but smaller.

The pipelines can be equipped with those ridiculous roller rails you used to see in mid-century Alberta liquor stores, or any cold beer store in Mini-’tario today.

Just picture it:

“Need to water the desert outside Vegas? Sure we can help. How many palettes can I put you down for?”

Boy! What an opportunity for any provincial jurisdiction enlightened enough to see the importance of properly managing the constitutionally-defined provincial control of their natural resources in such an inspired, far-reaching fashion. Perhaps as leader of the national New Democratic Party, you could mention this to your provincial counterparts.

Those are my first few ideas since arriving in your federal riding. I will let you digest them before I present any more. I do have quite a few more, but right now they mostly centre on the balance of transfer payments, and people (including me) pooping into Halifax Harbour.

I suppose I can’t expect too much of your support, as I’m sure you’re quite busy with party renewal, and with being on TV all the time. And also you’re not even my MP. But I thought you and I could find some common ground on a few things, such as the clean air, soil and water you mentioned in your Summer 2001 Report, as well as knocking Ontario down a couple of notches.

Enjoy your fall sitting of the legislature, and good luck bringing your Haligonian issues into the national spotlight in Ottawa, Sask Atchewan.

Yours truly,

Evan Spence

Tuesday, September 11, 2001
PD DXII

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