Dear Mr. President
Introducing The Pint Day Guide to Averting Terrorism in America and Elsewhere, Including Canada.
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Attention: George W. Bush,
President, United States of America
Howdy, Mr. President
Unless you have very eclectic web browsing habits, you won’t know me. I’m Evan Spence, and I co-author the weekly rant site, pintday.org. I didn’t vote for you last year, but I didn’t vote for the other guy either: I’m Canadian. Since I already know lots about you from A&E, we can dispense with that half of the introduction.
The events of two Tuesdays ago have inspired me to write you this letter. I would normally have approached a more local source of leadership, but in Canada there is none. you’ve met M. Chretien, so you know what I mean.
Boy, people sure can be mean, can’t they, Mr. President? As far as seminal, jaw-dropping, aw-hell-why-did-they-have-to-do-that events go, September 11 was as mean as I have ever seen. (I am 28.) And why did someone have to go ahead and do that?
Normally I would sigh at the news and say “How random.” (You really have to know me to understand.) But this was really very bad. Way too bad. I already mentioned that I thought it was mean.
Now I see a lot of stars and stripes on the TV. I guess this is to build support for a unified effort to be mean right back to those people, or to that guy. There’s talk on TV about having the belly to do what’s necessary. Frankly, I don’t see why stomachs have been singled out, because there are bound to be a great deal of body parts involved if this escalates into a contest to see who can be the meanest to the most people all at once.
But don’t worry your belly, Mr. President, because I have an answer for you, and that’s why I wrote. There’s even an added bonus at the end to make sure you read it all the way through.
My plan is called The Pint Day Guide to Averting Terrorism in America and Elsewhere, Including Canada. It’s made available under the GNU Free Documentation License, so you can go ahead and use its text whenever you like. It’s free!
First, to appease your military leaders and CNN, go get Mr. Osama Bin Laden’s belly. You have lots of very expensive and very pointy weapons, so there’s no doubt in my mind that you can do this. Go get him! When you have him, you will have to find some space for him in your overcrowded judicial system. I would recommend dropping the case against Dmitri Sklyarov to make room. (Seems sort of trivial now anyway, doesn’t it?) The next part should be easy. It’s just the O.J. Simpson circus court show again. Only—and this is very important—the verdict is guilty. Although it might seem unfair to be suggesting a, er, marsupial court, it’s important to remember, Mr. President, that the purpose here isn’t justice, it’s to sate American bloodlust. So it is super critical that, if you don’t have the evidence at hand, to find it with all due expediency, if you know what I mean Mr. President. Remember: guilty! After that it’s a simple matter of—well gosh, you’re a Texan, Mr. President. You know what to do.
Second, and this is the really clever part of The Pint Day Guide To Averting Terrorism in America and Elsewhere, Including Canada. You write a letter to every American who is overseas on official state business, or serving abroad in the armed forces, or is representing the USA in some multinational organization or is participating in some world body for the furtherance of some world cause. Basically, it goes out to any American working for national interests in an international arena. This includes the NATO boys, the Balkan peace keeper boys and the federal aid worker boys. And the girls.
Here is what the letter will say:
Come on home.
The world is all grown up, and can take care of itself. Good work, now please get your asses back to Albuquerque.
Love, W.
Naturally, you will want to adjust it for official use, such as by writing it on official White House stationary. Also, don’t close your embassies. Sometimes Americans lose their passports. You need your embassies.
So from then on, other countries will be responsible for fighting their own wars, patrolling their own boundaries, overthrowing their own tyrants, and just otherwise getting by without America being there to hold their hand.
Now to be very clear, Mr. President, part two of the plan is not optional. It’s the part that gives the supporters of terror a reason to stop wanting to be mean to you. You can’t just go ahead and do part one if you’re not going to follow through with part two. If you make a martyr out of Mr. Bin Laden but continue to put your thumb in the Israeli or the Iraqi or the Somali pudding, these people are just going to get meaner in more creative ways.
Just this morning I heard that crop dusters have been grounded, and the National Guard has been mobilized to protect the water supply in Massachusetts. Before this catastrophe, I didn’t even know what a box cutter was. In fact, I’m still a little unsure. Regardless, I’m now not allowed to take sharp things onto planes. I assume all in flight meals be soup from here on out.
Pilots want to carry hand guns.
I’m going to say that one again for emphasis. Pilots want to carry hand guns.
Mr. President, where do you think this will end?
Well, we could play that game all day. But I think the important thing is to put the Pint Day two-step plan into action as soon as presidentially possible. First, find your scapegoat or culprit and kill him on network TV. Then, bring all the boys and girls back home.
This isn’t giving the meanies what they want. This is simply forgetting a whole lot of international muck that you and I don’t really care about anyway. I know you agree with me Mr. President, since you’ve already taken positive steps in this direction by ditching the Kyoto Protocol and getting out of that terrible racism or anti-racism conference. Good start!
Oh, I mentioned a bonus earlier. Here it is: you save a pile of jack. Dish out some more tax cuts like you want and kick start the economy that way. What a totally circular plan!
Those are my ideas, Mr. President. I hope you like them. If you need a little more convincing, please be sure to check out what Harry Browne has to say. And unlike me, he’s a great American.
To be frank, I hadn’t realized exactly how tall the World Trade Center towers were in proportion to the surrounding cityscape until I saw them coming down. They sure were big. And I sure do feel bad about that, just like I feel bad about watching 6,000 people die on television. But honestly, Mr. President, I would feel much worse if this was just another story about the erosion of liberty.
Yours truly,
Evan Spence
Tuesday, September
25, 2001
PD DXIV
cc: www.pintday.org
Response
I haven’t received anything on White House stationary yet, but I did get an hilarious set of posturing emails. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Randy Wooding.