The Twelve Days Of Christmas

December 14, 1972

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes

December 15, 1972

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

December 16, 1972

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 1972

Dear John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings: one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 1972

John:

What’s with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of a God damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny so stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 1972

Okay Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a milking, but they had to bring their God damn cows. There is cow shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

December 22, 1972

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ, do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours,
Agnes

December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got the diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.

I’m siccing the police on you,
One who means it

December 24, 1972

Listen fuckhead:

What’s with the 11 lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 1972

Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cajole

Tuesday, December 18, 2001
PD DXXVI

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