O O Ø O O O O

Off We Go, Into the Wild Blue Yonder...

Kev Needham | 2002-05-14

So here I sit, salivating at the thought of a frosty beverage after I finish putting my thoughts on the pode this fine Tuesday, and it dawns on me that I may have some difficulties getting at the contents of the bottles in my fridge. You see, I'm moving, and the movers were here today and packed up all my stuff. “So what?” you may ask. My bottles are not twist off, my cutlery and kitchen utensils are in a truck bound for Ottawa - you figure it out. I may have to resort to using the balcony bannister *sigh*. Oh well, shit happens, and it's certainly not the first or last time my poor planning will make life difficult for me. Yeah sure, sit smugly with your beer and laugh at me, ya bastid!

I leave tomorrow A.M., and have been running around like the proverbial headless chicken in a vain attempt at convincing myself I'm ready. This is a long-winded lead-up provided as an excuse for the rant being a little late ce soir. Leading up to my move from the fine city of Minne-fucking-apolis (it's not that bad, it's just not for me), I have done a fair bit of travelling to visit people and tidy up a few loose ends at work. I've been to Calgary, Los Angeles, New York City, and Witchita Kansas (don't ask why, it's not important) and have, for the most part, had a blast - no, there is nothing to do in Wichita, it is one big suburb, and the cool aerospace companies are locked up tight. I love travelling, it's fun, and I've done a tonne of it over the past five years (I stopped counting miles at a quarter million) and I see no reason to stop anytime soon, save one.

The one reason is probably not what you think it would be given the times we are living through right now. I do not fear my plane being used as a missile or otherwise falling out of the sky, nor do the new and improved *cough* security measures bug me as much as a lot of folks I know. Nooo... my reason is much more vexing, and is the subject of my ramblings du jour: “travellers without a clue” a.k.a. “stupid morons who are leading candidates as the poster child for birth control and would have benefitted the world far more by being a spot on the ceiling of their father's bathroom, providing much needed sugars to various other parasites and insects” (you'll have to figure that one out on your own, I am not feeling charitable today). Hah! Fit that one on a business card.

If you have travelled more than five times on an airplane in the last decade, you can probably pick out these clowns from a mile away - they're kinda like the twits you see in the left lane doing 60km/h when the limit is 115. If you are not familiar with this particular species, let me help you out by providing this handy-dandy guide to travellers you should avoid:

The Check-in line:

• Bright, gaudy clothing that would get them shot pretty much anywhere. My favorites are the ones in shorts, Hawaiian shirts, and Jesus-sandals when it's -30 degrees Celsius out. They'll tell you it's because they don't want to be uncomfortable when they “get there”, even if they get frostbite and lose a few toes in the process. I'm sure it has nothing to do with them advertising the fact that they are going to a warm sunny place while I am going to - wait for it: Ames, Iowa - to revel in the 80km/h winds and sub-zero temperatures while corn-stalks are whipped about in a mad frenzy.
• Luggage that is drivable. You know what I'm talking about, the people who are going on a one week trip and have brought expedition gear, parkas, 47 changes of underwear, 16 pairs of shoes, 27 evening outfits, a cosmetics counter from The Bay, and four pieces of carry-on which include a garment bag, a purse you can stuff a small child in, and two shopping bags filled with odd shaped items that you know will never, ever fit in the overhead bins.
• Inability to answer the basic questions put to them by the check-in staff. Repeat after me folks “I packed my bags myself, they have been in my control since I packed them, and no one has asked me to carry any items on to the aircraft”. If you cannot truthfully repeat this line, please raise your hand, and you will be escorted to the tarmac for a “live” inspection of the interior of the turbine intake on the closest Airbus or Boeing aircraft, because you are truly too stupid to live.
• Inability to realise there are 130 people in line behind them, insisting on making small talk, showing the gate agent photos of the grandkids, and asking what gate the plane is at and what time it departs when the information is on their boarding card if they'd just make the effort to look.
• Drags all 6 kids through the check-in line, forcing everyone to put up with the noisy little shits screaming at each other and running into your shins repeatedly. Invariably one of the kids trips over your bag, skins a knee, and the parents give you a look like it's your fault. If the parents are looking away, you can try tripping one of them and pointing at the biggest one when they fall and cry. Makes life interesting, really.
  
• A combination or all of the above, combined with a panicked look, heavy breathing from exertion, and pleading with you to let them jump ahead of you in line because they had no idea it would take more than five minutes to get from the parking garage to the plane, and subsequently arrived 10 minutes before their scheduled departure. It's not a bus or train folks, and it takes a while to get through - really, trust me on this one. Sadly, I always let these people through, maybe one day I'll snap and ask them why they can't show a little foresight like the large majority of the folks in line (actually, my fantasy snap involves a little more than that, suffice it to say it would put me on the cover of the New York Post. Dare to dream....)

Security:

• Spends 5 minutes looking for the ID and boarding pass they put away after checking in at the gate. Tells the guard how ludicrous it is that they have to show their ID again to someone who hasn't seen it already.
• Despite global (and continuing) global coverage of a nasty incident last September, do not understand what all the fuss is about at the security checkpoint.
• Walks through the detector with 10kg of metal. This used to be worse before the new measures. Now, instead of walking through the detector 40 times as they remove each bit of metal one by one, they are sent to a separate line to get individually checked. I think cavity searches are warranted for the truly dull-witted.
• Pack knives, corkscrews, Leathermans, and various other sharp, pointy options in their luggage and get pissed when they are pulled out of line. What the fuck do people need with a corkscrew on an airplane, anyways? No joke, on 5 separate occasions my line has been held up because some moron had a corkscrew in their carry-on. A pound of Tim Horton's coffee and a dozen donuts to anyone who can give me a plausible reason for bringing a corkscrew on board instead of in their checked luggage.
• Refuse to take their shoes off because “it's silly, what could I possibly hide in there?”
  

The Gate:

• Walks into the gate area with their 4 pieces of carry-on (each), and discovers there are no available seats because it's ten minutes before boarding. Shuffle around the gate area exclaiming aloud how unfair it is that there are not enough seats to go around, and that no seats are together. When these people make these noises and I am sitting by an empty seat, I give mine up so I don't have to listen to their whining. Someone should give me a medal, or maybe a golden Cinnabon.
• Walks up to the gate agent and tries to check in again. When the gate agent informs them it's not necessary, they ask the agent if they're sure. Wow, you got 'em, they were trying to ensure you didn't get out into the wild where you can reproduce and take over the local eco-system unopposed. Usually these folks go back to the gate agent three or four times and ask when the flight is boarding.
• Eats two Quarter Pounders, a McChicken, two large fries and a milkshake while waiting to board. Chews with mouth open to show everyone what they're missing out on.
• When lining up to get onto the aircraft, despite the gate agents asking everyone at least four times prior to starting the boarding process to have their IDs out to expedite the process, have to fumble in their purse/wallet/pants/suspenders for their ID. They usually get irritated if they are sent to the back of the line for holding everyone up and exclaim loudly how stupid the process is. If you don't like it, leave the airport, I'll help you.
• Have not a clue what row they are sitting in, so mill about in front of the gate confusing everyone else into thinking they are in line and holding up the process. Alternatively, the group of 6 sitting in row 7 gets on when row 40 is being called, causing problems in “Sitting Down”.

Sitting Down:

• Stand in the aisle looking for the row numbers. Here's a clue for the clueless - they're at eye level, and are usually above the seats, or in the overhead bins in line with the seats. The higher the row number, the further back in the plane you are. Looking 15 rows in for row 42 is kinda pointless, but they do it anyways.
• After finding their seats, stand in the aisle for 5 minutes stowing their carry-on, taking it down to look for the aspirin, reading glasses, gum, magazine, book, etc. (and each time stowing and unpacking the bag(s)). They are usually completely oblivious to the people behind them waiting patiently to find the seats (who are also in the back of the plane because they listened to what row was being called).
• Sit in their window seat, wait until the aisle and middle seat passengers are seated comfortably, and make a beeline for the bathroom. Apparently they did not see the 10-20 public restrooms in the terminal, or they wanted to try them new-fangled toities on the big silver bird. They also ask each of the flight crew they see if they can go to the bathroom - must be a need for permission from an authority figure or something. Swim back upstream after going potty and disrupt all those still trying to sit.
• If travelling with children, put the four kids together and take the two seats three rows back/forward for themselves. Instantly make a whole new group of friends in the airplane. If travelling with babies, they leave the bottle and/or pacifier in one of the four pieces of carry-on for takeoff and landing, guaranteeing a screaming child as the plane ascends or descends rapidly.
• After everyone is seated, realise that the 5 minutes prepping in the aisle wasn't enough, and get everyone out of their seats because they need their Altoids.

Flight:

• Look terror-stricken at each bump, noise, or attitude change. I truly feel sorry for folks when this happens, and attempt to explain what is going on. Some people don't buy it though, and continue freaking out. For these people, I would lobby for bringing back the free booze. Hell, I'll buy 'em a drink if it'll make 'em calm down and stop hyper-ventilating.
  
• Ask “are we there yet” repeatedly.
• Complain bitterly that their $140.00 fare from Toronto to San Francisco does not include anything more than some pretzels and a drink. Typically they mutter something about those films from the fifties being full of baloney.
• Attempt to make conversation with you, regaling you with tales of life in the big city of Fargo, North Dakota. NB: If you are faced with this situation, tell them you are a used car salesman or a personal injury lawyer - they will usually shut up and not talk to you for the rest of the flight.
• Pace the aisles and eyeball everyone. This one drives me nuts.
• Ask “are we there yet” again.
• Tries the washroom put again, taking the in-flight magazine with them and holding up the can for the 10 other people waiting. No, no, it's ok, it's just like work only instead of getting paid to take a dump and read the paper, you get to inconvenience people, too!!! The plane didn't have a river running through it before you went in, congrats! It's like new landscaping!
• Treat flight crew like wait staff at your friendly neighbourhood Denny's. Not that the folks at Denny's deserve it any more, it's just the flight crew gets to put up with more assholes for a longer period of time, and are usually the ones who save people's cans when the shit hits the fan.
  

Landing, Taxiing, and Arriving at the Gate:

• Claps when the plane lands, and tells everyone how scary the landing was no matter how smooth. Extreme cases will shout “Amen” or kiss the ground/person next to them (in most cases, this is bad).
• Stand up to grab their bags on the taxiway. Refuse to listen to the Flight crew reminding people to stay belted in until they get to the gate.
• At the gate, stand up, grab their bags, and run as far as they can up the aisle (usually two or less rows) while everyone else is attempting to stand as well.
• Drop their four pieces of carry-on onto someone's head because they didn't hear the “objects may have shifted during flight” didn't believe it, or the fifty odd-shaped objects punctured the shopping bag and became anvil-equivalents.
• When the line finally begins to move off the plane, they realize they need something out of their bag right now and stop in the middle of the aisle to grab the object of their desire.

The Baggage Carousel:

• Fuckit. By this time I'm so annoyed I'm only seeing red and compress my external awareness to getting the hell out of the airport after grabbing my bag. I usually do this on the opposite side of where the bags come onto the carousel to avoid the 50 people jockeying for space there. Much as I like mosh-pits, the airport tunez just ain't that great, although straight-arming the idiot who dropped his odd shaped objects on my head is tempting ;) .

Ok, I feel much better getting that off my chest. I guess what I am trying to say is that there are a lot of travellers who are experiencing the joy for the first time, and are oblivious to how much pain they cause others. It's kind of like learning to get around in New York City (or any other big city, for that matter). There are do's and dont's (i.e. don't stand at the top of a subway exit, don't stop suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk, don't look for a phone number to call a cab, do look to ensure there's nothing coming when you cross the street regardless of the light, don't expect the cab going 80mph down Park Ave. to stop for you when you wander into it's path, etc.) that you need to learn in order to stay alive. While the consequences are not so drastic, remember that travelling for some is high stress or a supreme irritant, and the experienced may one day snap because you didn't know the rules and turn your new experience into a very bad experience.

Personally, I think anyone wanting to take a flight should have to pass a test before they're allowed anywhere near an airport. There'd be a gate to get past the perimeter, and you'd have to enter a code given to you when you passed (kinda like the Car Wash machines at the Esso/Sunoco/wherever) in order to make it past the perimeter. The test would be pretty easy, and would ensure you knew the process and etiquette up front for riding the skies with your fellow travellers. You'd use this code number with your tickets, so if you breached etiquette your privileges would be revoked, and back to the test you go. Third time offenders would be relegated to the aforementioned turbine intake inspections.

Sadly, this will never be the case, as it makes too much sense and would hold the traveller accountable for being an idiot. Hell, I'd be just as happy if the airlines/travel agents gave a pamphlet outlining how to behave, and ask people nicely to read it as a courtesy to others. Heh, who am I kidding, if it benefits anyone other than the reader I doubt there'd be any reason for them to read it.

Not willing to bow to the inevitable, and in true pd.o style, I offer these simple suggestions to make your journey (and others) a little more pleasant:

• If it's pointy, don't put it in carry-on. No, really. Don't. There's no need for it.
  
• Show up at the check-in counter 90 minutes in advance, no matter what. This does not mean the airport, show up at the airport 105 minutes in advance and you're usually good to go. This gives you time to check-in, get through security, stuff your face, and find your gate.
• Keep your government-issued photo ID out for the duration. You'll need it in at least three different places, so it makes sense to have it ready. If you need a refresher, you should have this ready for presentation at check-in, at security, and at the gate when boarding. Try to keep it out of your wallet or purse until you board the aircraft, and things will go nice and smoothly.
• Before you get to the X-Ray/scanning machine at Security pull out anything metal - keys, coins, tinfoil, etc. - and throw it in your carry-on. Take your jacket off and avoid wearing your champeen rodeo belt for the flight that day. Take the shoes without the steel toes, and put all the stuff through the machine. Ideally you will have no metal on you anywhere, and you will breeze through and not hold people up.
• At the gate pull out everything electronic and put it in the tray when you get to the gate. This includes cel phones, laptops, PDA's, vibrators, and other things with batteries.
  
• Look at the Departure information on the monitors, they tell you where your plane is, when it's leaving, and from where. Make sure you match the logo on the monitor with the logo on your boarding card.
• Know where your seats are before you get on the plane. This can be accomplished by viewing your boarding card sometime between check-in and boarding. When you board the aircraft, don't be afraid to ask where your seat is - the flight crew knows the layout of the plane pretty well, and odds are good they'll be able to point it out to you.
• Pull your book/glasses/toys/whatever (if they are small and can fit in the seat pocket) before you get on the plane. This will allow you to just huck your bag up top, sit down quickly, and let everyone get on their way.
• Washrooms are a tough one, 'cause the ones in the airport are usually scummy. If possible, tinkle before you get on the plane.
• Parents with babies - give the kid a bottle during the ascent and decent. It'll make 'em swallow and help to equalize pressure in their ears. Your fellow travellers will thank you for it. Your flight crew will also tell you this, listen to them, they know what they're talking about.
• Don't get up when drinks/food are being served. I want my vodka tonic, dammit, and you're getting in the way!
• If you're scared of flying, ask the crew what noises to expect. They'll tell you, honest!
• Don't piss on the seat. If you do, wipe the damn thing, urine is sterile and won't kill you. (I, on the other hand...)
• When the plane stops at the gate, allow the people in front of you to exit before you if they're so inclined. Rushing down the aisles may lead to a shoulder in your mid-section as I stoop to pick something I “dropped” up.
• Thank your flight crew, they deserve it.
• When you get your bags, don't worry about being 5 feet from the place where the bags come onto the carousel, they'll get to you in 30 seconds or so, honest. Avoid blocking out everyone else who is trying to see the bags coming down the belt unless you want to run the risk of fouling out.

There - see how easy that is? Try it out, and life will be good. It's really not that hard to be civilized, all it takes is some common sense and a little bit of common courtesy... Ok, we'll fake it and I'll keep to my little fantasies about your window blowing out and you not having your seat belt on, 'cause judging from previous experience, that's got a better chance of happening. Ah, my faith in the human race is truly inspiring.

Ahh, I feel almost placid. Thanks for letting me vent once again, and I'll see you in a few. Wish me luck on my move and I'll be thinking about y'all on my drive through the midwest.

(i be) kev.

Tuesday, May 14, 2002
PD DXLVII

P.S. - Happy belated Mother's day to all you mommies out there. Mom, if you're reading, this is what the Internet does to me so it's not my fault. I miss you lots, feel free to drop me a sign sometime.

P.P.S. - For all you mocking me for being stupid and complaining about the lack of a beer bottle opener, I have keys and know how to use them. I'm not that stupid, really.

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