O O Ø O O O O
Without Prejudice
Clearing up the matter of the List.
“All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental and should not be construed. No names have been changed to protect the innocent, since God Almighty protects the innocent as a matter of Heavenly routine.”
—Kurt Vonnegut
We’ve had a little altercation this past week. It seems our orange-crate podium and nasty habit of keeping tabs on companies we dislike has raised some hackles.
Prior to today we had an open invitation to all comers to add to our List. The problem with this, is we can’t then vouch for the background and validity of the List entry.
One entry in particular has precipitated this week’s rant:
- [Preposition] Security
-
[Preposition] Security? Not even close. A company run by a madman and his father: Frankenstein meets Carolyn Meinel. Not only do they offer Nessus-based pen tests for 5k, they will also bullshit you for another 10k. Want a firewall? Forget Checkpoint, go with their Doorman product. Clever marketing? Nah, just a fancy Linux box with iptables. Workers? Hah, what are those? You mean expendable drones! Oh, don’t forget the fancy Flash website and bullshit masquerading as business marketing. Long live “the best security firm in canada.” Watch out Counterpane and Guardent! [Christian Name] the“[3l33t hax0r handle]” a.k.a. “Daddy’s Boy” is gonna show you how security is done, one script at a time.
(Courtesy of Blaze.)
Now, the pd.o position is that any company advocating Linux firewalls probably deserves to be on the List. When this entry showed up in my inbox quite a few Tuesdays ago, I happily pasted it above Kev’s entry for Marc Bell.
Instant Infamy
One curious trait of the pd.o that we have yet to fully explain, is that Google absolutely adores our content. (We think it has something to do with the pure XHTML 1.0-strict structural markup, and complete lack of un-indexable images. But that’s another story.) If Google can find any combination of keywords in the text of our pages, it will invariably throw our pages at or near the top of its rankings. For further proof, check our referrer log page. That means that within a few days of posting anything, Google will present that page front-and-centre to the browsing, surfing, Marie-Osmond-pr0n searching public.
This is how Blaze wound up with this comma-spliced snot-gram in his inbox:
I don’t mind but in my dictionary, this is called defamation and if you don’t make arrangements to remove those comments from [pintday.org], I will forward this to a judge and we will see each other in court. I give you [sic] a few days to contact me back on this issue.
If you have an attitude problem or problems in your personal life, it is not my problem, if you can not accept the fact that you where [sic] fired because of this attitude issue, sorry. Since you are gone, life has been much easier and much happier around here, you can think whatever you want about our services, but as far as I am concerned, my clients are satisfied.
I hope that this is the last time I hear from you publicly, next time, the law suite [sic] will be automatic.
—[christian.name@[preposition]security.com]
A quick Google on the company in question proved that not only did the pd.o’s List appear in the search results immediately below his company’s name, so too did we appear beneath a search on his hax0r handle. This is precisely the same situation that sparked the riotous communiqués between Randy Wooding and us, so many Tuesdays ago: people looking themselves up in Google.
Somewhat disappointingly, Blaze asked me to take down the List entry. I was at least hoping he would receive a cease-and-desist, bigfoot letter we could pin up. Since I had previously stated that we know of no way to remove a company from the List, I considered letting everyone dangle for a while. After all, I’m just reporting what someone told me, right?
But here’s the thing: the List isn’t worth anyone going to court, or even (as in this case) bluffing about going “to a judge.” I feel quite comfortable reporting what faceless correspondents on the Internet tell me, but it’s really not worth their trouble to fend off attacks from those who feel slighted, and most humorously, threatened. (Didn’t anyone tell them that bad press is press just the same? Or maybe that doesn’t quite apply in a Google-indexed world where a quick search on your company’s name yields not only your corporate site, but also a vindictive attack on your methods and character.)
List the fuckers.
The List is a mildly childish, cathartic tool we use to keep our cool in frustrating situations. I swear to Jebus this works: Instead of tearing off on a bout of air/road/sports/shopping-rage, or creating a public scene for some petty confrontation, we can calmly think to ourselves “Let it be, and List the fuckers.” And we do.
So I’m reclaiming the List for the use of Pint Day saints only. That way, we can vouch for its accuracy. This saddens me slightly, because I have to remove the brilliant submisison from the anonymous Lando Calryssian, which spawned the phrase “sucking managerial Borg-tit.” But since you’ve now enjoyed this delightful turn of phrase here, I can calmly remove it from the other page.
Now before you go, take a moment to read the pd.o Guide To Business, to familiarize yourself with the methods and practices that mature companies use to keep both their employees and customers in states of blissful contentedness. Then just act accordingly to stay the hell off our List.
And if anyone from Jawz is reading this, you still owe us a monkey.
Evan Spence
Tuesday, May 21,
2002
PD
DXLVIII
Postscript to This Week’s Shout Out
Pint Day is the online equivalent of a group of people sitting down and bullshitting over a couple of beers. We’re not journalists. We’re verbose assholes with a sack of strongly held opinions. We’re digital packrats who enjoy preserving anything interesting we come across online, under the rubric of our acerbic world view.
If your first reaction to what we say is to threaten to contact a lawyer, what does this say about the fragility of your universe?
If you think we’re wrong, for heaven's sake, let us know. (We promise not everyone gets treated like Randy Wooding.) Rant back. We may even publish your take. It’s part of the arguing-over-beer nature of the site. (We should really post a bulletin board style forum for each page, so you can rant publicly without feeling you have to filter your comments through us. But Kjell’s busy, and he still hasn’t been paid for his earlier installation work...) If you still feel compelled to call an attorney, then you are a small, shallow, weak, enslaved automaton. Guilty!