O O Ø O O O O
Butter Knife
Or, “Things not to say out loud in an airport bar, even if it is a Tuesday”.
I just got back from some traveling. For those of you who aren't familiar with the intricacies of navigating security gates at Canadian airports, there are two main differences between here and our neighbours to the south. Canadian travellers get to keep their shoes on, and have to show off the blinking lights on all their electronic devices.
I don't really mind some of the “enhanced security measures” that are in place. I think the “did anyone ask you to carry a strange ticking package on board the plane” IQ test given at check-in time is a reasonable one. If you are dumb enough to answer these questions wrong, you don't deserve to be on an airplane. Kev said it best: meet turbine intake.
No, and I don't mind having to show ID at every gate on the way through. I do, however, get irked at having the ID check referred to as a security measure. If 17-year old kids can fake an ID, I'm pretty sure the nasty hijackers can, too.
But as I'm standing in line, powering up my cellphone, laptop, palm-pilot and digital camera, I find myself asking a simple question:
Why?
Standing there in the airport security line, helplessly watching I'm forced to run several thousand dollars worth of electronics down a belt to pile up a the other end, while I wait for Joseph Q. Moron to slowly divest himself of 14 pounds worth of metal-detector-fodder, I started to think what I would need to actually build a bomb. And really, it boils down to two things: A detonation mechanism, and a bunch of explosives.
Does C-4 show up on a metal detector, or are airport security guards bred for their highly-attuned sense of smell?
So what exactly am I demonstrating when I power on my laptop? You know, the one with the modular expansion bays that could hold an ungodly amount of plastic explosive, and enough computing power to handle the I/O requirements for several thousand detonation circuits. The one with the wireless transmitter sticking out of the side?
That's a good question. Does C-4 show up on a metal detector, or are airport security guards bred for their highly-attuned sense of smell?
And don't even get me started on this whole pointy object thing. It was bad enough trying to saw through the chicken-flavoured hockey puck they called dinner back when they provided those horrible dull butter knives. Now you get a plastic one.
I hate to be the one to point (yes, pun intended) this out, but if you're capable of hijacking a plane with a dull butter knife, you're certainly capable of doing so with that pointy metal fork they also provide you with. The fork was probably sharper to begin with. And really, if a hijacker is threatening you with his butter knife, you could always defend yourself with your own.
... if a hijacker is threatening you with his butter knife, you could always defend yourself with your own.
So what about confiscating nail clippers? Yes. It hurts when you cut a nail too short. No, not that much. I'd worry about someone using my Cat-5 Ethernet cables as a garotte first. Or jabbing toothpicks into my eyes. Or paper cuts — the nasty file folder ones, not those wimpy ones you get from opening too many envelopes.
No, the most effective security measure of them all was the pilot in the states, who calmly informed passengers that should a hijacking occur, they should do everything possible to overpower the hijackers. September 11th changed all the rules. Co-operation is no longer the order of the day. That short little pre-flight announcement is many thousands of times more effective than confiscating nail-files, and yet we've standardized on the latter to keep our cities and airways safe.
Just like bomb-sniffing dogs would be thousands of times more effective than checking to see if the screen on my laptop lights up.
But I'm not worried. Nobody on that flight had the strength to take over a plane. We wasted it all trying to saw through dinner with out little plastic knives. And look on the bright side. No one will get stuck on a long flight with an uncharged laptop battery any more, and that's worth a $24 airport security tax any day.
'till next time.
Kjell Wooding
Tuesday, June 18,
2002
PD
DLII