O O Ø O O O O
Dear Santa
Hi Santa. Kjell here. It’s been a while since I wrote you. Actually, I believe our last correspondence was done in crayon. Thanks for the Micronaut battle cruiser, by the way.
I’m writing you again, after all these years, to express my shock and horror that you continue to persist with this Christmas thing. What were you thinking when you came up with the idea, anyway? Sure, I like the presents, but think about the name: Christmas. That’s just a consonant and space away from ‘Christ Mass,’ which is clearly a religious celebration. December 25th is a statutory Holiday. That means everybody gets it off. You can’t take a statutory holiday and try to make it a religious event. That would be like turning a pagan solstice festival into a the highlight of the Christian calendar. It’s just not right. And politically incorrect, to boot.
You can’t take a statutory holiday and try to make it a religious event. That would be like turning a pagan solstice festival into a the highlight of the Christian calendar.
And please, Santa, don’t give me any of that “It’s just a name” garbage. We need to give December 25th another name. Something ambiguous and meaningless like “Boxing Day.” And don’t be handing me that old Xmas line, either. We all know that Christ, in Greek, starts with a chi, and that an uppercase chi is essentially indistinguishable from an X. It’s a disguised religious reference. No, we need something entirely different. Perhaps just a stylised “d25” emblem. We’ll probably have to refer to it as the holiday formerly known as Christmas for a while, but eventually we’ll be able to shorten that to simply The Holiday. That fits well with the politically correct seasonal greeting: Happy Holidays. Or perhaps we’ll just eliminate the name all together. It works in August, after all.
And then there’s the matter of your name: Santa Claus. It seems fairly unassuming at first, but then the Kris Kringles and the Sinter Klaas’s start coming. The next think you know, somebody realizes that jolly old St. Nicholas was a saint, and we’re back to that whole religion thing again. I’m sorry Santa, I’m afraid the name has to go. We need a more religiously neutral name for you—perhaps “Happy Holiday Harry.” Yes, that rolls off the tongue nicely.
Now, let’s turn to some of those holiday traditions. First off, Christmas lights. Obviously, the name is gone, but there’s a deeper issue here. I seem to recall a story about a baby, a barn, and a big, fat star. It looks to me like the decorations-formerly-known-as-Christmas-lights are yet another throwback to a specific religion, and hence, have to go, too. Still, it is kind of nice to decorate the house at this time of year. Perhaps something less offensive, like hanging fruit, or shiny beads?
It is kind of nice to decorate the house at this time of year. Perhaps something less offensive, like hanging fruit, or shiny beads?
Which brings us to the old standby: the Christmas tree. I had high hopes for this part of Christmas – after all, it is one of my favorites – until someone had to bring up the whole St. Bonifice thing. In other words, the tree has to go, too. Of course, that’s not to say a different kind of tree might not be usable here. Poplars, for instance, are little more than weed trees , stuck into the ground by greedy, money-grubbing developers looking for a way to make their communities look more natural, quickly. Why not kill two birds with one stone; hack down and decorate little poplars for the holiday season?
Finally, I need to broach the subject of gifts. Since clearly what we are talking about here is an outgrowth of the old three-wise-men concept, the idea of gift-giving clearly has to be removed from the holiday formerly known as Christmas. Unfortunately, we can’t just stop altogether, as our modern economy really hinges on the concept of high December sales; Deck the Malls, and all that. Since we can’t stop the consumption without adversely affecting the economic stability of our respective nations, I propose a simple solution: we all buy gifts for ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, Santa—whoops, Harry—I’m not trying to see you out of a job. In fact, you’re more than welcome to continue to deliver gifts to me. Just be cognisant that I’m not being selfish by buying gifts only for myself. I’m being politically correct. And we at the pd.o are nothing, if not politically correct.
Please, Harry, help us take back our statutory holiday by ending the political incorrectness now. I think we'll all feel better for it.
Sincerely,
P.S. Yes, this is sarcasm. Can I have a pony?
Tuesday, December 17,
2002
PD DLXXVIII
The Obligatory Reader Feedback
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 2002 09:08:00 -0800 (PST)
From: Game Over <gameover23@yahoo.com>
Subject: Political Correctness is a load of crap ...
To: kjell
That's all there is to say.
And if you're really offended by a nativity scene in someone's yard. You have major issues that need to be dealt with. Pop your mom's tit out of your mouth and get over it. Whiny crybaby loser.
Who cares if someone has a nativity scene in their yard? Yes, it points to a specific religion; one that the people who live in that home believe in. So by saying that they shouldn't have those particular decorations up, you're saying they aren't allowed to believe in whatever they want to believe in. There is nothing more politically incorrect than being politically correct. Just put an end to the madness now, and remind people that “sticks and stones may break your bones but, words (and Christmas decorations) can never hurt you.”
JB
And the Obligatory Response
To: Game Over <gameover23@yahoo.com>
From: kjell
Subject: Re: Political Correctness is a load of crap ...
JB (do you mind if I call you JB? “Mr. Over” doesn't quite have the right ring to it):
First of all, I am going to presume you are talking about pintday rant DLXXVIII. You will have to forgive me if this is an incorrect assumtion. It is a little difficult to be sure, since the only occurrence of the word nativity in the pintday rant tree is a link to someone else’s site.
That's all there is to say.
Clearly not, as you chose to continue.
And if you're really offended by a nativity scene in someone's yard. You have major issues that need to be dealt with. Pop your mom's tit out of your mouth and get over it. Whiny crybaby loser.
First of all, allow me to refer you to pintday.org/faq.shtml#sarcasm. The P.S. line at the bottom of the letter may also be enlightening.
In fact, I'll put it to you to determine whether this particular letter to Santa — a mystical being who rides in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer, lives at the north pole surrounded by elves, and who once a year, slides up and down chimneys devouring cookies and delivering presents (or coal, depending) to all the children of the world simultaneously — complaining about the sheer christianity of the whole event may be just a hint tinged with irony?
Who cares if someone has a nativity scene in their yard? Yes, it points to a specific religion; one that the people who live in that home believe in. So by saying that they shouldn't have those particular decorations up, you're saying they aren't allowed to believe in whatever they want to believe in.
So, since I don't say that they shouldn't have those particular decorations up, am I in fact saying that they aren't not allowed to believe in whatever they want to believe in, or am I stating that they aren't allowed to believe in whatever they don't want to believe in?
You'll have to fill me in here.
There is nothing more politically incorrect than being politically correct. Just put an end to the madness now, and remind people that “sticks and stones may break your bones but, words (and Christmas decorations) can never hurt you.”
I believe that was the intent. I recommend you do some more light reading in the pintday archives, to get a feel for the tone.
And thank you, JB, for your insightful comments.
-kj