O O Ø O O O O
Screwed Up
I love to fly, and it shows
Yesterday, a lowly corkscrew caused me and another five hundred-odd people some serious irritation. I wouldn’t be surprised if it cost some people a night home with their families, munged up some vacation plans, delayed business from being completed, or just pushed some people that much closer to the edge. All because of a single corkscrew.
Do people not yet know that sharp pointy objects are for the home, not the plane?
Some moron decided to pack a corkscrew in their carry-on. Because we all know that a corkscrew is much more dangerous than a ballpoint pen, it’s a bad thing to bring them into the airport. How hard is this to understand? I’m wondering where this twit—who should have wound up as a wadded-up kleenex on the floor by his father’s bed—has been living the past two and a half year. Has he seen the news? Do people not yet know that sharp pointy objects are for the home, not the plane? Apparently not.
So, bad enough some fuckwad brought a corkscrew on the plane, (And the offer for a pound of Tim’s finest is still available for someone that can give me a good reason for needing a corkscrew on the plane. Remember, it’s illegal to BYOBOB to consume, so that doesn’t wash.) but a security screener detected the item and then lost track of the bag it was in. Pardon me, but the last time I checked a bag being screened by machine or by hand is in the possession of the screener. What possessed them to let it through knowing there was a forbidden item in it? How do you lose track of such a thing? Were they distacted? Do they have the short term memory of a goldfish? What—exactly—were they doing? For this I pay 7 bucks?
We won’t go into whether the item really is dangerous or not. It’s verboten, and everyone knows it. The signs in the airport leading to security say this repeatedly, it ain’t rocket science. How difficult is it to remove all sharp objects from the bag you’ve brought as far as security and either slit your wrists or lobotomize yourself, thus saving the rest of us from having to kill you for diluting the gene pool?
Everyone was pissed off. All for a corkscrew.
The net effect was the screener—after realizing that someone slipped one by the goalie—said “Oops, my bad.” Which, loosely translated, means “Close the doors leading to the screening area. Put surly security people out there to prevent people from getting into the queue, but don’t tell them why. Don’t let the people in the queue back downstairs where there are restaurants, food, and ways to spend the time. Keep everyone in the dark. Wait forty-five minutes, then decide to pull people off planes and out of the gate waiting areas and have them go back out to the ‘non-secure’ area. Allow the security people to walk around aimlessly and use such clever witticisms such as ‘I just work here,’ when asked for information. Take another forty-five minutes to sweep the gate areas. Continue the cone-of-silence act. Eventually decide to let people back into the gate area. Do not apologize for fucking up everyone’s day because it’s in everyone’s best interest. Make everyone at least 90 minutes late.” My apologies, the translation is a little rough, but I think it’s accurate.
I hope they found their fucking corkscrew, as I’m sure they saved a domestic flight from being used as a weapon of mass destruction against the Canadian Big Apple. Hell, I bet they got a medal for saving the day instead of getting their asses fired for not doing their job the first time around. The funny part was, after all the crap we endured, there was a woman who had been stopped with a steak knive set as I passed through security. People don’t learn. There is no hope for the human race.
In any event, as a result of the combined strenghths of two reasonably stupid people, I got to stand in a pen for 90 minutes while the powers-that-be figured out what to do. Said powers kept us in the dark the entire time, then tried to push aircraft out at warp speed to make up for lost time. Our flight was late, and people missed connections which were the last flights of the day. I got to my destination a couple hours later than expected, and missed that many hours of sleep as a result. Everyone was pissed off. All for a corkscrew.
Great job. I want my $7 back.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
PD DLXXXIX
P.S. - I read this and howled. We’re a bad, bad country. It’s a little dated, but for some reason I feel like a kettle, and this guy reminded me of a pot.
P.P.S. - Mapleflot offered me a free drink for my troubles. They didn’t cause them. A rare kudo to them.
P.P.P.S. - Ev, did you notice where Westjet flies now?