O O Ø O O O O
Throwing Rocks
Why I sometimes wish I was flipping burgers for a living.
I’ve gone after HR people in the past, and today I’m gonna take on Project Managers (PMs). Why now, you ask? Well, I am learning my place at work, and my place is considerably lower than that of our project managers. My veep said so, so it must be true. So now is as good a time as any to vent some of the frustration I currently feel. That, and I’m working stupid hours again, am hitting middle-age this week, and am in a generally pissy mood with very little idea on what to write about this eve. So, throwing rocks at PMs seemed like a good idea, even if it is only my company’s version of them.
Now, before you PMs out there get all pissy, I held the role of PM for a few years. The large majority of my projects finished on-time, on budget, and I always had clients who would speak to me civilly at the end. This meant to me that I did an okay job, so I think I can comment a little. Well, even if I did a crappy job I’d still comment, and you can’t stop me ’cause it’s my pode. I am also speaking about the few individuals I’m dealing with at the moment, and am painting the world with an unfairly large brush, but that’s why it’s a rant. If you’re a PM and take issue with my misplaced agression, feel free to flame me. We might even post your mail.
So anyways, some questions for all you PMs saving the world out there:
You don’t have the right to decide what’s important and what’s not by yourself, even if you think you know everything.
First question: Who made you God? You’re supposed to be a facilitator, and this means you clear the obstacles from the project path by getting the people who have a clue about how to move them into the same room and, well, get the people to move them. You don’t make decisions on behalf of the project sponsors without consulting them, especially when you don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. You balance the demands of the project drivers with what can be delivered using the resources at hand, and you let people know why a decision has to be made. You don’t have the right to decide what’s important and what’s not by yourself, even if you think you know everything.
Second question: Do you think I want to hear about your invaluable experience every frigging conference call? Instead of beating your chest telling everyone how hard you’re working to pull off the insane demands placeed upon poor little you, try remembering that everyone else has a stake in it and will probably work at least as hard as you. I don’t care if you’ve been in charge of a project that was completely unrelated to the one I’m accountable for, I care that you know what you’re doing, and trust that because you’re still employed that you may have a clue, but I reserve the right to revise this opinion at any time. Spend less time telling me how much value you bring to the table and more time showing me. How about you send everyone your resumé at the start and let them make the choice by themselves. Hearing how great you and your team are gets old the tenth time around.
Third question: Do you really think holding a PMI certification means anything to most people who know what they’re doing? I have some thoughts about certification, and most of them aren’t terribly positive. I’ve studied for my PMP and I have to say I thought it was a whole lotta BS when it comes to determining if someone knows what they’re doing in a project management role. Anyone with an ounce of common sense and a few years experience is worth a lot more to me than the person who studied the guides published by this very self-serving organisation and regurgitated the drivel on a multiple guess test which is supposed to prove they know what they’re talking about. You may as well get a MCSE, it’s worth about as much.
Most marketing jobs have a pre-requisite of a full-frontal lobotomy.
Fourth question: Why do you assume I’m a complete fucking idiot? Ok, I suppose I asked for that. My title does have the word “marketing” in it, and most marketing jobs have a pre-requisite of a full-frontal lobotomy. That said, I was hired because I know my stuff. I can actually help you if you let me. I know I am inherently evil and out to screw my company and my customer, but let’s pretend—if only for a second—that I want to do the right thing. When I provide input, advice, and ideas it would be really nice if you considered them, if only to humour me. It would feel a lot better than you saying “Yes, I understand you," and then promptly doing what you were going to do anyways. I’d rather ram one of those totem poles from Vancouver Island up my ass than be subjected to your condescending attitude, at least then I could relate to the feeling.
Fifth question: Did you know that you’re part of a team? There are people with a lot more riding on this than you. When the project is done, you move on to the next one. Everyone else has to live with what you delivered. This means you should talk to everyone and make decisions based on their input, not on the input of people who have nothing to do with the tasks at hand and who you know will agree with anything you say. You may be responsible, but we’re held accountable. We’re all the “subject matter experts” you talk about so much, and some of us have been living this stuff for years. How about including us in your tea party?
Sixth question: Did you know that we don’t look at you as our saviour? Contrary to what you may think, things actually were going pretty well before you parachuted in. Everyone understood—at a general level—what we were trying to accomplish and why. Now you’ve come in and told everyone that you are in control and will make it all happen. You leave everyone with the impression that the work they had done before amounts to nothing, because without you they’d be lost. You then proceed to scare the living shit out of everyone because you don’t fully understand the project quite yet, and only get about 70% of the facts/deliverables right. Unfortunately, by messing up the other 30% you confuse the hell out of people, which in turn makes them question if they can do this. Congratulations. You took a team that was moving forward and ground them to a halt because you decided to be the centre of attention.
I love being able to see the light at the tunnel, and knowing it’s a train being driven by you.
You’re a project manager. Project managers facilitate. You’re supposed to be like a good referee: invisible. Don’t use the project you’ve been given to boost your ego, because the rest of us will pay for it. Help me deliver on time and on budget. Manage the good-fast-cheap triangle to the best of your abilities, and don’t make the decisions that I will be held accountable for. Don’t expect the rest of the team and me to fall over ourselves thanking you for blessing our project with your presence. We work just as hard as you do and we’re in this together.
Don’t assume we’re out to do the wrong thing. We’re not. Help us out. That’s your primary function, not acting as guardian for the mother ship. Thanks a pile for doing the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to. I love being able to see the light at the tunnel, and knowing it’s a train being driven by you.
Whee. Another day in the life.
Tuesday, May 6, 2003
PD DXCVIII