O O Ø O O O O
Happy Insolvency!
Why is it that I can’t step into an airport without getting off on a rant?
For reasons I won’t go into, I found myself booked on an Air Canada flight recently. I had a few weeks to steel myself for the experience, so I was pretty much ready for the “We hate you, you hate us” customer service experience. And perhaps it was exactly because I was ready for the “you are an irksome piece of cargo” treatment that I found myself paying attention to the other details of my ordeal.
Yes, it is with careful consideration, Air Canada, that I reserve my last rant of the Pint Day pre-centennial collection for you.
I was pretty much ready for the “We hate you, you hate us” customer service experience.
Let me start off by saying this: if ever a company deserved to go under, it is Mapleflot. Honestly, have any of your management ever tried actually flying on your airline? Like, actually getting down, dirty, and in line with the plebes?
Let me tell you how my experience starts: The Air Canada “Express” terminal. First off, this experience is anything but express. Congratulations to whoever placed the express terminals in the Ottawa airport, by the way. They managed to find the one location where every conceivable queue of people would intersect, and locate the terminals behind said nexus, forcing Express users to fight their way through bodies in every possible direction.
Second, I would like to acknowledge the brilliance of placing the Express terminals less than 6 feet from the “Express Users Baggage drop-off” This keen psychological ploy deludes would-be users into thinking their experience will be brief. I imagine it is quite entertaining to watch the looks on their faces, when they realize they have to walk from the baggage drop-off location all the way back across the airport to the back of the Express Baggage Drop-off line-up.
Beautiful.
The name Express is also a clever one. The necessity to line-up after using them ensures that the express lane is neither faster for the customer, nor less manpower-intensive for the company. Since the only appreciable benefit is to make make less work for the already bored Air Canada staff, it was an excellent decision to avoid the more apt moniker Tedium Terminals.
Yes, since the introduction of Tedium Terminals, the duties of the check-in staff have been pretty much reduced to the level of airport security guard: ask the customer if they packed a bomb in their luggage (Hint: no), and check that they possess a piece of plastic with a name matching that on the ticket.
It was an excellent decision to avoid the more apt moniker “Tedium Terminals.”
Well actually, half a name. The express tickets have only a last name on them, which pretty much defeats any mechanism of “security.” Furthermore, Mapleflot employees don’t even put your luggage on a belt. At the express baggage interrogation stop, you have to do that yourself.
I’m not even going to begin harping on the actual airport security workers again, even though they have a new toy to use (the laptop wiper), and (clearly) no actual clue as to how, why, or when to use it. I’ll leave that for the subject of a future rant.
Ironically, I flew Air Canada this time around to attend a mathematical conference, where at least two of the speakers went into great detail as to how Air Canada develops its fare-pricing model. In case you didn’t already guess, there is a very sophisticated mathematical model that predicts exactly how to reserve space on the plane for progressively higher fares over the six or so months leading up to a particular flight. In other words, a model carefully designed to soak the consumer for as much of their money as possible. It was with no surprise whatsoever that my question as to whether customer perception to their carefully designed fare structure was included in the modelling process.
“Pardon?”
“Does your model determine at what point customers get annoyed with your pricing scheme, and start heading for your competition”
“Uh, no.”
Exactly.
Less service than a standard Air Canada flight? ... Do I have to serve food to the Airline crew, and bring videotapes for them to watch?
I suppose it could be worse. Though forced to travel with Air Canada, I made sure to travel with the traditional “standard service” version of the carrier (otherwise known as “I hate you, and we’re out of the chicken” class). I can’t begin to imagine what travel is like with the “discount” Mapleflot variants. Less service than a standard Air Canada flight? What does that mean? Do I have to serve food to the Airline crew, and bring videotapes for them to watch?
Thanks, Air Canada, for inspiring so many of the first hundred Pint Day rants. It’s a real shame you won’t be around long enough to inspire many of the second hundred.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
PD DXCIX