O O Ø O O O O
Dear Lord Protector
Setting Paul Martin’s agenda.
The Right Honourable Paul Martin,
Lord Protector in Waiting,
House of Commons
Parliament Buildings
Ottawa, ON K1A 0A6
Howdy, Mr. Martin, sir. My name is Evan, and I’m a contributing editor to the online serial pintday.org. I would like to congratulate you on your victory in securing the leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada. By doing so, you have fulfilled the classic Canadian dream: laying the boots to Sheila Copps.
I have written to the Prime Minister's Office before, but your predecessor—whom I shall not name for reasons to be explained shortly—has never taken the time to reply to any of my letters, or to act on my advice.
But I know you’re different, Mr. Martin, sir. You’re the Prime Minister Canada has wanted for over a decade now. In fact, southern Ontario wants you in the PMO even worse than Toronto wants an NFL team. So let me also be among the first to congratulate you on your upcoming coast-to-coast sweep in the next federal election. (I’m from Calgary, so I’m not legally allowed to vote for you, but I can assure you that Cow Town and the rural Alberta ridings will be the only non-scarlet regions of the electoral map after 2004.)
The purpose of this letter is to discuss what your first move as God Emperor Prime Minister should be. You will be getting plenty of suggestions from all those tireless campaigners to whom you now owe favours, but I have an idea that’s fresh, rewarding, and sure to go over like gangbusters.
By way of introduction, let me relay a short story.
In February 1948, the Communist leader Klement Gottwald stepped out on the balcony of a Baroque palace in Prague to harangue hundreds of thousands of citizens massed in Old Town Square. That was a great turning point in the history of Bohemia. A fateful moment of the kind that occurs only once or twice a millennium.
Gottwald was flanked by his comrades, with Clementis standing close to him. It was snowing and cold, and Gottwald was bareheaded. Bursting with solicitude, Clementis took off his fur hat and set it on Gottwald’s head.
The propaganda section made hundreds of thousands of copies of the photograph taken on the balcony where Gottwald, in a fur hat and surrounded by his comrades, spoke to the people. On that balcony the history of Communist Bohemia began. Every child knew that photograph, from seeing it on posters and in schoolbooks and museums.
Four years later, Clementis was charged with treason and hanged. The propaganda section immediately made him vanish from history and, of course, from all photographs. Ever since, Gottwald has been alone on the balcony. Where Clementis stood, there is only the bare palace wall. Nothing remains of Clementis but the fur hat on Gottwald’s head.
—Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting
Mr. Martin, you should do this to your predecessor, le petit gars de Shawinigan.
No, don’t accuse him of treason or hang him, but erase him.
Use your near-absolute power as Pharaoh Prime Minister to pay back the people of Canada. We have waited patiently for your reign, tolerating ten years of his assaults on Canada’s stature and our dignity.
Start slowly, by simply refusing to allow any motion to recognize his service in parliament. No one will blame you, as he’s spent the last several years in office trying to thwart your leadership aspirations.
Then use your control of the CBC to ensure no mention of his name is ever made on radio or television. The rest of the major media outlets—who are just the handmaidens of any big government—will fall in line shortly.
Since all of our school texts are printed in Ontario, they’ll be even easier to change: just ask, those people will do anything for you. I heard one pundit say all Ontarians want you as their father. If that’s the case, you could just threaten to send Ontario to its room.
If someone asks about who was running the country for those years, just say, “The nineties? Wasn’t that when Joe Clark returned to politics?” Then change the subject. “Did you watch American Chopper last night?” Everyone loves American Chopper, Mr. Prime Minister, sir.
Finally, if the gars himself tries to make an appearance on his own behalf, (“Look! I am ’ere! I ran da country! Remember da protester I beat up?”) you’ll have an ace in the hole: who will believe that he was ever the leader of the country?
This will be a final rebuke to the former PM’s desperate desire to leave some sort of lasting legacy.
Mr. Prime Minister, sir, Canadians just want to forget that these last three terms ever happened. If you grant this boon in your first term, I can guarantee you’ll win a second.
Then we can tackle the somewhat thornier problem of erasing P.E.T.
Evan Spence
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
PD DCXVIII
P.S. I have attached a copy of the Magna Carta. You do remember what that was for, don’t you?
cc: pintday.org