O O Ø O O O O
Glory, Hallelujah
Purity of mind and soul, care of Blockbuster’s censorship department.
Praise ye, Blockbuster, for ye have saved me. Yea verily, I was lost. But thanks to the wisdom of those-with-the-bleep-and-blurry-blob, I have found mine way back into the light.
Never again shall mine innocent ears be assaulted by the vulgarities of the evildoers, unless the evildoers choose to say shit or fuck. Mine is not to say why thine all-knowing censors have spared these terms. Thine divine wisdom shines through, though, whenever an evildoer attempts the corrupting motherfucker. It is indeed wise that ye hast replaced all occurrences of this incest-promoting phrase with blissful silence. Of course, mofo appears to be okay. But just to know that thine divine censors maintain this blissfully arbitrary stance for the good of mine soul, well, it fills mine heart with joy.
And alas, thank ye for replacing the vilest of vile pieces of slang with thine puritanical bleep. Though it may sound innocent enough, clearly, the term pussy is responsible for much of the world’s corruption. And though thine puritanical cleansings made at least one carefully crafted scene utterly unwatchable, it is but a small price to pay for the purity of mine soul. What was that stupid director thinking, including such a corrupting word into a movie about methamphetamine addicts. Stupid Director. Wonderful Censor.
Praise Blockbuster also for the all-concealing blur. Be it not for the blur, unmentionable parts of the female anatomy may be revealed to am unsuspecting public. It is indeed wise of thine divine censor to forsee the morally damaging nature of the female anatomy, while recognizing the artistic significance of scenes where a man is shot in the balls. Yea verily, human sexuality is truly a subject worthy of the divine blur. Well, except when breasts are shown. Those are okay. It’s the other bits that deserve the blur. All hail the blur!
And finally, praise ye Blockbuster for ensuring that the morally-challenged masses remain ignorant of thine policies by convincing the studios to do the editing in thine place (obviating the need for “edited for content” stickers on the movies themselves). If the non-puritans knew thine movies were edited, they might be tempted to obtain their smut elsewhere. Nay, leveraging thine near-monopoly in the rental market to force studios to adhere to thine moral standards is both just and good. Just as refusing to carry the evil wide-screen format, or any potentially corrupting NC-17-rated films makes the world a safer place.
Thank ye Blockbuster for all this, for if I was forced to choose movies based on mine own values, I would likely be spending mine afterlife in hellfire and damnation.
(What’s worse, I’d probably be stuck in between the censors and the monopolists.)
Bless thee,
Tuesday, Oct. 7, 2003
PD DCXX