O O Ø O O O O
Gorked Goulash
Beaten, not whipped.
This delightful concoction comes straight from the heart of the big smoke, where the prevailing attitude is “you’re not here, so we’ll forget about you for awhile.” Not for the faint of heart, it requires years of experience doing the same thing, the same way, no questions asked. Serve with beer. Enjoy:
Scorched Goods
You will need:
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In a large marketplace combine broken products and customers. Set on counter at room temperature and allow to sit two to three years. Shake marketplace once or twice, but do not allow contents to mix. Examine bacterial growth and/or rot from time to time, and note how vile the whole mess is to no one in particular. Leave on counter to fester.
In a small building, add talent (ideally aged and with exposure to marketplace) with good ideas, mix well. Sprinkle liberally with vision and attitude, and set aside while you figure out how to “maximize revenue” and “grow market share.” Set mixture close to marketplace and allow fumes to mix, but keep containers seperate. Ponder how you’re going to step on other people to get promoted, even though you are unqualified. Remember talent and idea mixture, put in oven to bake at 600 degrees to kill any growth off while you check your blackberry for new e-mail from your superiors.
Add talent mixture to regimented, hierarchical management and beat well, preferably with a lead pipe against a brick wall. Ignore any sounds coming from mixture, as it is a fiendish plot to distract you from your end goal of advancing a level, and may throw you off the rails. Allow swelling to rise, and beat again thoroughly until smooth and/or silence ensues.
Pour beaten talent mixture through time-consuming process grinder. If large chunks of integrity and/or rational thought are still identifiable in the mix, apply lead pipe repeatedly and strain through your mind like a sieve. The resultant mixture should now have a smooth texture, be neutral in colour, and be agreeable to any palate. Set aside and refrigerate for six months while you apply lack of common sense, telling upper management everything’s fine, and you’ve “taken care” of the problem. Generous application of the inflated egos will allow you to do this with a straight face.
Add mixture to marketplace, creating unholy mess. Beaten and neutral talent mixture should only add volume, not substance, to marketplace. Put resultant mix in an oven pre-heated to 68 degrees Farenheit, baking for one year. Transfer laterally within the company while baking, and instruct your successor to remove mixture from oven after six months. Reassure them that everything is cooking nicely. When “done,” comment on half-baked result like you had nothing to do with it. Giggle at your fortune, and point at ungodly mess from afar. Offer insight into how to best clean it up without getting anything dirty.
Well done, you have successfully cooked my product.
Tuesday, Oct 28, 2003
PD DCXXIII