O O Ø O O O O
Truth
I hold these truths to be self evident. You should too.
- Pizza is finger food.
- There’s no place for fruit in beer.
- The Leafs aren’t on the verge of anything.
- The Liberals will rule the land.
- The Matrix movies couldn’t possible be better. (Including the rave scene.)
- Public transit doesn’t work because people live too far from everything and they love their SUVs.
- SUVs are idiotic.
- Doing the wave is lame.
- Shakira can shake her hips, but she sure can’t dance.
- Pumpjacks are beautiful.
- There’s nothing cooler than dual-stallion hood ornaments.
- The more hops, the better.
- Nobody understands what matters, so we go with what’s popular.
- There will be no hockey next year.
- Dryer lint is gross.
- The Kyoto Protocol simply won’t happen.
- The record labels will never get it. Next!
- Intuit software is no replacement for a trusted accountant.
- There will be no oil exploration boom in Halifax, ever.
- The next professional soccer league in North America will fail.
- The new Conservatives are the old Conservatives.
- The United States is wrong.
- -15°C in Halifax is colder than -30°C in Calgary.
- Building overpasses encourages sprawl, and moves the traffic congestion somewhere else along the line.
- New tract houses are tastefully decorated, well appointed, very probably decent investments, and ugly, ugly, ugly.
- The Cubs are cursed.
- The Red Sox are cursed, just not quite as badly as the Cubs.
- Government will grow.
- There will be other stock bubbles.
- Swiffer Wetjet is to the mop, as Nike Cross-trainers are to sneakers.
- Music is free.
- The banks are vermin.
- The euro is soft.
- It’s time for Mark Messier to retire.
- Vinyl (siding) is not final (as they say).
- I will continute to watch ER, even though Carter has finally left.
- The US will never report a case of BSE.
- Unless the Grand Slam tour of curling starts participating in the Briar, Ferbey will fourpeat.
- Quitting your job is for Tuesdays.
- Commuting daily from Brampton to Toronto is for the insane.
- Air Canada hates you, and wants you to die.
- Madonna gets it.
- The next country America invades will be similarly defenceless.
- You can’t get good smoked meat sandwiches outside of Montreal.
- The only sports that matter are the ones where the champions drink from massive silver mugs.
- Audrey Hepburn is to graceful beauty as Steve McQueen is to restrained cool
- Exposed ductwork is no longer architectural.
- So-called reality TV has been lame for years, except for American Chopper.
- American Chopper will be lame in about three more episodes.
- Jennifer Lopez’s butt is not big.
- Chicks dig cowboy shirts.
- So do guys.
- Computers suck, and they have ever since the Apple ][e.
- Two pints is almost enough, and three is too much.
- Rick Mercer is over.
- People are freaks.
- Government is force.
- We should surround ourselves with beauty.
- I have.
Evan Spence
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
PD DCXXVII