O O Ø O O O O
Resolution
On building a happier, healthier kev
Hey look! Another year has gone by, and we get to toss out the old and ring in the new at the end of tomorrow night! This got me thinking about what should I change about myself to make myself a happier, healthier, better person in 2004. I thought long and hard about it, and here’s what I came up with:
I resolve to blame absolutely everything on the United States of America, because they’ve shown me that not only is it fun to redirect, it works! The American politicians and media have convinced me that it was Canada’s fault that all those terrorists entered the US through US ports of entry; that pharmaceutical companies are losing their god-given right to rape the shit out of the general population because we’re actually a little smarter about how we deal with them up here; that the current Mad Cow problem in the US is our fault. Considering how many folks now believe whatever they’re fed provided it’s said with authority and to hell with doing a little corroborative research, I think it’s an ideal strategy. Ask any married person out there about how laying blame instead of working things out in a co-dependant relationship works, they’ll tell ya.
I resolve to complain tirelessly about the politicians who represent me, but not actually do anything about it. Writing them directly or tossing rotten eggs at them to show my displeasure requires effort, and I’m all about complacency so long as I can vent my spleen once in a while. After all, I didn’t vote for them, so I can’t be held accountable for not taking them to task. I already did my part just by sitting back and snorting my disdain. I’m sure the system will get fixed this way because it surely can’t get any worse.
I resolve to pretend to be surprised with the hordes when the Toronto Maple Leafs don’t win a Stanley Cup this year for the 36th season in a row. What would I have to complain about if they actually won the damn thing, the trap? No, no, despite having the best record in the league, and arguably the greatest collection of dirty, obstructive, and boring players since New Jersey with Claude Lemieux, they’re not going to do it. Why? Because the Western Conference rocks, baby. I’m Eastie, though, and can’t admit that the best hockey on the planet is played outside the realm of the Original Six, so I’ll keep thinking that the Leafs will finally buy a championship this year. Denial, it’s a great state, come join us.
I resolve to refuse to take any accountability for my action or inaction. I deserve to be happy, and if I’m not, it’s society’s fault. My government and fellow citizens owe me a happy, fruitful life, regardless of whether I actually put anything into it. For this reason I will only do things that make me happy, regardless of the consequence. I have paid into my social safety net for twenty-odd years and never have I withdrawn a dime from it, so it’s about time to get some payback with interest. You folks don’t mind, do you?
I resolve to stop giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and treating them like human beings. No more of this silly “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, that’s so pre-eighties it ain’t funny. No one else does it, why should I? It’s all about me baby, and I am gonna treat you like the government, corporations, business associations, and credit bureaus treat me now. You’re all out to fuck me because you’re looking for the easy score, so I am gonna fuck you first, and ideally I’ll blindside you while doing it so you’re down for the count before you even know the fight is on. I won’t trust you, I’ll treat you like a common criminal from the get-go, I’ll let you walk the minefields on your own, and I won’t apologize for any of it. Of course, you’ll never speak to me again afterwards, and I’ll die lonely and bitter, but it’ll take me a while to figure that out, and when I do it’ll be too late. Besides, that thirty minutes of euphoria is worth the lifetime of misery, right?
I resolve to stop being sarcastic.
Whew! I have butterflies anticipating what I am about to become.
Tuesday, Dec 30, 2003
PD DCXXXII