O O Ø O O O O
The Pint Day Diet
Note to self. Literally.
Hi there. It’s your body here. Look, I’ve been meaning to have a few words with you lately, and now that you’ve gone and committed to a whole bunch of ridiculous New Year’s resolutions, I just can’t hold back any longer. Here it goes.
Are you trying to kill us?
Honestly, let’s talk about this new diet thing you’ve foisted onto me — the Dr-Atkins-on-a-south-beach diet, or whatever you’re calling it this week. The point is, you have us on some kind of stupid fad diet, and seriously, it’s killing us.
Bulimia works too. You don’t see me advocating that now do you?
Oh, sure, I’m happy for that guy on Dr. Phil who managed to lose 800 points in 3 days by eating only cheese, but can we step back a minute and think about this? I’m a pretty robust machine, the product of a few hundred thousand years of evolution, and it’s true that I can tolerate just about anything you shove into my gullet for a little while, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Fad diets are based on fad, not fact. And before you go quoting me some study conducted by an intern at Dick Clark’s Miracle college, showing that three out of five participants lost five pounds on the miracle chia-sprout diet, let me point out this little tidbit: Bulimia works too. You don’t see me advocating that now do you?
Let me reduce it to the bare facts:
food in - food used = fat + magazine
(Actually, I don’t turn it into a magazine, but it do suggest you bring one along. And light a match afterwards.) So if you’re wondering why we’re starting to put on the pudge, it’s because we’re either putting too much in, or not taking enough out. And in case math isn’t our strong point, let me boil it down to a pair of bullets:
- Eat Right
- Exercise
Earth shattering, no? So what’s the big deal then? You can’t take a diet plan seriously if it isn’t delivered in 300 page form from your local Chapters? Quit reading and start doing. You can begin by throwing out all that pre-processed crap in your fridge and making me a meal out of actual food. You know, the stuff that grows on trees. The stuff that stops wiggling if you poke it enough times with a spear. Real Food. And when you’re not feeding me, try getting up off the couch for a change—go for a walk, join a fitness class, take the stairs instead of the elevator. Anything! Just get up!
There. I’ve said my peace. Now, can we talk about your smoking?
Naw. We’ll save that for another day.
Sincerely,
Your Body
c/o pintday.org
Tuesday, Jan 6, 2004
PD DCXXXIII