Six Points of the New Etiquette

Those few points that Miss Manners forgot.

Evan Spence | 2004-01-13

  1. If you go to unscrew something, and discover the head is a Phillips, it is always appropriate to curse the damn Americans who refuse to adopt a real (read: Robertson) screw as standard.

    If you’re assembling something from Ikea, it’s okay to curse the Swedes as well, as long as you start with the Americans.

  2. No self respecting Calgarian would drive north on Fifth Street into downtown. The fact that this is even possible is only a minor political anomally, and to take advantage of this unfortunate and temporary situation is purely in bad taste. Much like the new colour scheme for the Calgary Tower.

    It is considered polite to drive a couple blocks out of your way to avoid this embarrassing gaffe. Helpful glares at offending motorists (perhaps from out of town?) are often appreciated.

  3. The proper conduit for your displeasure during air travel is through the front line staff of Air Canada. Remember, not only are they directly responsible for the dismal state of the airways by continuing to work for the Leafy Satan, but it is every Canadian’s responsibility to make Air Canada’s staff’s lives so miserable that no one will ever work for them.

    For those defenders of the rank-and-file Air Canada employees: When was the last time you were agressively and rudely treated by a member of Mapleflot’s upper management?

    Often, a spontaneous round of chanting “Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!” is refreshing in a crowded Air Canada concourse.

  4. When passing by one of the new soulless, overlit Petro-Canada stations, etiquette demands a blood-curdling scream. If polite company prevents such an outburst, a cough, sneeze or sniffle is acceptable, at a minimum.

  5. When cursing while driving, every offending driver should be known as a bitch, regardless of sex.

    Coincidentally, the contestant on Jeopardy who picks the Daily Double is also known by the same moniker, as in “Bet it all, bitch!”.

  6. If you’re going to meet us at the Ship & Anchor for a beer, sit in the front where we can see you, not in the back 40 like some sort of agoraphobic neophyte.

You would think these things would go without saying.

Evan Spence

Tuesday, January13, 2004
PD DCXXXIV

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