O O Ø O O O O
I’m Not In Right Now
So please leave a message at the sound of the click.
Dear Rada,
Thanks for calling, but who in the hell are you?
I have listened to your oh-so-informative voicemail, and am reasonably certain I am addressing you properly, but I admit your name could also be Rava, Raja, or mayhaps even Raffi. Truth be told, I’m a little slow, and I need you to talk at my speed. I feel about as smart as Dan Quayle right now, because my speed is apparently quite a bit slower than yours. You’ve left me three identical—and I mean word-for-word identical—messages now, and I’m still a little fuzzy on what exactly it is that you want.
This is primarily because you give zero information aside from a demand to call you immediately at a number in Michigan (which, by the way, I have to pay for, not you). I get that you want me to call you. I get that you want me to call you right now. I know you work for some company, and I think that company’s name starts with “Com,” but that’s just a stab in the dark. I think I know your name, and I could swear that you’re at extension 514, but I still don’t know what it is that you want, and your delivery style screams “collection agency”, which doesn’t really make me want to return your call.
Unfortunately, my curiosity got the better of me, and I tried to figure out who you were before I called back. I went to my trusty “I spy” site and came up with a big fat zero on the hit list. I listened to your message about twenty times trying to pick out the company name with no luck. So finally, I called the number and discovered from the auto-attendant that you work for the Computech Corporation. You seem to work for a body shop that is based out of India, has recently expanded into Canada, and has local sales offices. I think I’m starting to understand why you’re calling, but am not certain.
I did try extension 514 and was connected—after a 30 second delay which was probably caused by the call being routed halfway around the globe—with someone who grunted quite nicely, but didn’t seem to have a clue who you were. Either that, or he didn’t understand what it was I was saying, which is entirely possible because I couldn’t figure out anything he said, either. So, after wasting ten minutes listening to your message over and over, and another twenty minutes calling the number and surfing a little, I know you work for a recruiting company, and that’s it.
Thankfully, that’s more than enough information. I don’t want to work for a company that can’t communicate with people effectively, especially if they want something from me. I didn’t call you, you called me. If you want to get me to call back, here are some tips:
- Learn to enunciate, or at least pause for a breath, while speaking. Chances are I will understand what you’re saying if you do.
- Explain why you’re calling, and why I should call you back. I was only interested this time because you confused the hell out of me.
- Don’t make the demand to call you back “immediately” without justifying the urgency in relation to me. Telling me you want to pay me $2500.00/day would be a good justification, in my books.
- Try being polite. You are more likely to get a response from people if you use the word “please” once or twice.
- Ensure that the folks answering your phone can speak the same language as the auto-attendant. It’s upsetting to get more information from a pre-recorded message than from a warm body.
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I won’t be calling you again. Please return the favour.
Tuesday, Feb 10, 2004
PD DCXXXVII