Revised and Updated

Sinner.

Kjell Wooding | 2004-03-23

We live in an increasingly confusing world. As our moral lines in the sand becoming increasingly eroded, it is important to remember the rules that bind and shape our society: the 10 commandments.

Yes, it's these commandments that shape our laws and constitutions. They distill the essence of our moral code, and codify them in a rigourous and easily stated manner. It's a shame that the scribes didn't quite get them right in the bible, desipte having at least three cracks at it, so we at the pd.o took matters into our own hands. Thus, we present to you:

The 10 Commandments, Revised and Updated

  1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
  2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, unless it be in the foyer of a courtroom, or hung from the rear-view mirror of thine car. American Idols are okay.
  3. Thou shalt not take the name of the lord thy God in vain, nor shalt thou expose thine nipples to those who have not paid to see them, unless it is after 9 o’clock on a high-numbered cable channel.
  4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Or at least figure out what day of the week it is supposed to fall on.
  5. Honour thy father and thy mother. Or thy mother and mother. Or thy father and father. Step-parents and in-laws are exempt.
  6. Thou shalt not kill, unless thou thinkest the person to be “really bad,” or somehow associated with a “terror organization.”
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery within two time zones of thine spouse. Las Vegas is always two time zones away.
  8. Thou shalt not steal Music or Movies. Thou canst steal money so long as thou namest it “taxation,” or thou stealest from thine shareholders. Stealing from the public domain is encouraged.
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour, especially if that neighbour is the SEC, and thy name is Martha. Bearing false witness against thine shareholders is tolerable, and against voters is expected.
  10. Thou shalt not covet any thing that is thy neighbour’s, unless it is oil, prescription drugs, cheap labour, or anything else that makes capitalism work.
  11. Thy knowest that “turn the other cheek,” “love thy neighbour” bit that was added later? Ignorest that. Feel free to assasinate whoever thy likest. I’ll sort it out in the end.

Kjell Wooding

Tuesday, Mar 23, 2004
PD DCXLIV

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