O O Ø O O O O
Roast to the Groom
Tap, tap. Is this thing on?
What we know about Laura:
- Laura is not someone who'll fall for a guy because of the car he drives. Kjell has been the final driver of every single vehicle he's ever owned, including one that was famously totalled—while parked—by an eight year old.
- Laura has developed an immunity to clutter. Kjell is a gatherer, a curator, a pack rat, and occassional domestic archaeologist. If you have an intact Tandy Model 100, Kjell has a beer for you, and a shelf for it. Laura must love dusting.
- Laura never feels compelled to keep tabs on her mate. Once, she lost him in their own bathroom, where he was stuck reading an entire Harry Potter book while sitting on the pot. Laura must also place little importance in a man having enough circulation in his legs to be able to walk after pooping.
- If Laura were looking for a successful entrepreneur to support her, Kjell would not be it. Over the last decade, Kjell has been integral in starting three different companies, the success of which have enabled him to continue to drive the vehicles I mentioned earlier. (Full disclosure: I'm as guilty as Kjell is. We've developed a slogan: “We run companies into the ground, so you don’t have to.”)
- Laura will be happy to learn that there is no truth to the rumour that in the dictionary under the word geek it says “see Kjell.” Of course not. You should email him first.
- Laura likes a man who respects tradition. For instance, Kjell traditionally drinks beer after work on Tuesdays, and enjoys supper at his parents’ house on Sunday evenings. Also, Kjell’s hair is traditionally a question mark, his punctuality is traditionally lapsed, and he speaks more quickly than a juiced auctioneer. Traditionally.
- Laura, obviously, is not that choosy. Which causes us to wonder what took Kjell so long?
So what is she getting in the bargain?
Specifically, a tall (or lanky), early morning cranky, fit and flippant, anti-establishment, revisionistic, sarcastic, iconoclastic, fast talking, hockey watching, video gaming, hair un-taming, law fighting rant writing, small bladdered, school battered, scotch tasting, outlasting, exasperated, opinionated, folk-punk-rock-thrash-ska listening, OpenBSD evangelizing, meat eating, geek speaking, heavy reading, bank hating, TELUS baiting, caffeine slaking, firm incubating, code breaking, bubble tea shooting and network computing, fountain standing and Vegas gambling, gizmo using and Pope abusing, number crunching, wasabi munching, sci-fi devouring, carousing and rabble rousing, PERL scripting, high tipping, free thinking, beer drinking, brainy, argumentative, fuzzy-headed, paper writing, half-marathon running, car killing, junk collecting, three-finger typing, Thai cooking, big headed, puppy loving, determined, irrepressible, dyed-in-the-wool revolutionary, righteous dude.
I love you both, cheers.
Evan Spence
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
PD DCXLVII
p.s. In the Kjell & Laura baby pool, I want the ten months square.