O O Ø O O O O
Introducing the Pint Day Whammy
Hell hath no fury like a satirist ignored.
The Right Honourable Paul Martin,
Lord Protector,
House of Commons
Parliament Buildings
Ottawa, ON K1A 0A6
Dear Mr. Protector, sir,
I thought I should send you a note, since you didn’t reply to my last letter, dated September 23, 2003. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, as it seems most people don’t take the time to reply to my missives. Perhaps you all suspect a satire of some sort?
To recap, I am a contributing editor of the online serial pintday.org. We are a group of concerned citizens with a soapbox, which we use to air topical issues of importance to our readers, such as foreign policy initiatives, the Canadian cultural agenda, and standard beer glass sizes. Now to be clear, we don’t expect you to actually do the things we write about, just acknowledge you’ve read our letter. A form letter is fine. (“Dear Mr. Spence. Thank you for your interest in health care funding and dividing Ontario into three rump provinces...”) See?
You’re not alone as the target of our letters, Mr. Protector, sir. Some letters have gone to Alexa McDonough, Ralph Klein, George Bush the Lesser, and the like. Honestly, the only people to reply to any of my letters were Ralph Klein (several times), Clive Bedoe (CEO, WestJet) and a curious creature named Yoda, on behalf of Mr. Bush. Strangely, those people who replied are the only ones who have enjoyed any sort of lasting success in their public lives. (Although I can’t confirm Yoda.)
Ms. McDonough stepped down as leader shortly after ignoring my plea to campaign to have Ontario divided into three provinces. G.W. Bush is famously heading toward his comeuppance. Jean Chretien’s legacy is now secure after ignoring his Pint Day missive. He will now be remembered as the leader of one of Canada’s most arrogant and corrupt governments.
And it looks like you’re about to take the fall for it too, Mr. Protector. So sorry, but you should have erased Jean like I asked.
I’m going to christen this effect—whereby ignoring our letters results in unfortunate consequences—the Pint Day Whammy. Congratulations!
There’s no need to respond to this letter though, I just thought I should offer you an explanation for your dramatic fall from grace, contrary to my own predictions just last year. Now you can retire at ease, knowing the cause was the Pint Day Whammy, and nothing to do with your patronizing, elitist, waffling, arrogant, unrepentant, middle-of-the-road, agenda-stealing, disproven, spend-your-money-better-than-you-can, opportunist, shaggy-headed, bureaucracy-growing, freedom-limiting, underhanded, old-boys-style, short-sighted, Trudeauesque, profligate, reckless, interest-conflicted, coiling, favourite-playing, pre-ordained, centrist, my-party-right-or-wrong, responsibility-ducking, cowardly, old-money, privileged, myopic, obdurate, unenlightened, CBC-coddling, dismissive, meddlesome, corrupt, cocky, uninspired, Mary-Jane-repressing, counterproductive, regressive, fuzzy-eyed, bean-counting, pea-shooting, interventionist, Keynesian, outdated, dastardly, mean-spirited, battery-licking, beige, unforgiven, kitten-eating, pejorative, insincere, vote-grubbing, snowploughing, road-hogging, bank-protecting, choice-destroying, unaccountable, overspending, antiquated, Elvis-hating government.
Yours truly,
Evan Spence
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
PD DCLVII
Oh, by the way, I’ve forwarded a copy of this letter to Lord Protector hopeful Stephen Harper, as forewarning of the Pint Day Whammy. Cheeky? You bet!