O O Ø O O O O
Good Companies Gone Wild
An open letter, to give me satisfaction.
President, CEO and Chairman of the Board of Directors
Howdy, Mr. President, sir. I’m Evan Spence, contributing editor to the weekly Internet serial pintday.org, and an enthusiastic Rangeland Derby watcher. I am writing you this open letter so I can properly express my degree of satisfaction with the way your company conducts itself on corporately sanctioned outings.
This past Thursday, July 15, my wife, two friends and I sat down in the top row of the Stampede Grandstand, to watch the night’s chuckwagon races. Our friends had traveled from Halifax to be there, and were quite excited about their first experience of the Half a Mile of Hell.
Unfortunately however, by Heat 3 it unexpectedly started to pour. Not rain, which was completely anticipated, but drunken louts, who occupied most of the two rows in front of our chairs. These unsavouries spent the next six heats pouring themselves in and out of their seats, screaming at each other, snapping digital photos (“This is going on our website!”), and occasionally making out with one another.
The race calls were drowned out by the screaming. The view of the end stretch was invariably obliterated by someone getting up to get more beer and rye. We were derided as being too serious, and hateful. (And sober, I suppose.)
Then, almost unbelievably, they all decided to stay to drink through the Young Canadians’ Grandstand Show.
Needless to say, the evening’s entertainment was thoroughly ruined. (Although I use the word entertainment to only loosely describe the Young Canadians.)
At first, I assumed they were all tourists, as no Calgarians could be that rude.
Then we discovered that the whole group of rowdies worked for one company. This allowed us some degree of entertainment, as we tried to determine for which company they all worked. We eventually decided, based on their collective stature and carriage, that they must work for the firm that disposes of all of the fat that most other companies are no longer putting in their food.
Then toward the end of the night, while we were being offered some of your corporate taxi-chits—so that we might accompany them all to the Back Alley for continued revelry—we discovered that the company’s name.
So that’s why this letter. (Several of us in the back row wrote down the name, so you shouldn’t be too surprised if mine isn’t the only letter you receive on this matter.)
On checking your website though, I couldn’t find any mention of fat disposal, even in your agronomics arm, which leaves me to wonder where all that excess fat they’ve taken out of President’s Choice cookies gets to. Perhaps you could ask some of your staff for me.
One thing I can say about your team, Mr. President, sir, is they’re not racist or ageist. Although one of our friends was a ten year old boy, your team of heavies were respectful enough to treat him like just one of the gang, being careful throughout the evening to use such age-unlimited language as “Fuckin’-A,” “I’ll hold your beer, you grab her boob,” and “Fucking Hindu God!” How very refreshing.
Now this might seem like unnecessary whinging, but I would like to make one very specific complaint about one of your staff’s behaviour. It seems that one of the woman employees, who tended to sit sideways in her seat—presumably due to an unfortunate but predictable conflict of chair width and caboose geometry—made a habit of knocking my knee with her ham hock, as she lovingly fondled the back of the chair in front of my wife. (Occupied, for the record, by the aforementioned “Hindu God.”) I don’t want to complain, Mr. President, sir, but since I am quite slight of build, I’m afraid mass and momentum were permanently on the side of your employee, and my knee met with quite a bruising, like a Mini Cooper meeting a Ford Excursion. I walked with a limp today.
Before I started writing this letter, Mr. President, I stopped by your web site, hoping to familiarize myself with what it is these people manage to do while still sobering up in the day, and also to see if I was in the background of any of the photos that were supposedly going to end up there.
I didn’t see any party snaps, but I did read some pretty hilarious text, in light of the situation. Might I gently suggest a slight change to the wording of your company culture statement on your website? Where you now state:
“[Our] is best described as work hard / play hard.”
I would now write (emphases are mine):
“[Our] culture is best described as work hard / play hard / work drunk the next day.”
Then I might continue:
“To achieve our high standards for accurate science and customer service, teamwork and professionalism are essential, outside of Stampede Week. Events and parties hosted by the Social Committee throughout the year help foster that teamwork through genuine friendship, mutual respect, and severe liver damage.”
I hope your company receives as much success as it is due.
Evan Spence
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
PD DCLXIV
The President’s Reply
July 22, 2004
Dear Mr. Spence,
I received your letter this morning concerning the conduct of a number of staff of [our company] at last Thursday’s Chuckwagon and Grandstand show. Unfortunately I was not in attendance at the event and so have asked for a general review of what occurred using your letter as reference.
First I want to express my apologies to you, your family and your out of town guests if the conduct of our staff in any way impacted your ability to enjoy an evening out at the Stampede. It is completely out of character for our staff to have acted in a manner which could be interpreted as disrespectful to those within our own group or to individuals or groups in attendance at the Stampede. We consider our staff our greatest asset and their intellectual capital, hard work and ethics are what make [our company] successful.
As you noted in your letter, we have a culture where we work hard and play hard. [Our company] provides key environmental services for many clients across western and northern Canada, consistently meeting urgent demands for technical and project data. In many cases... staff spend a considerable amount of time away for [sic] the Calgary area in remote locations. Many of our staff periodically put in extreme hours in order to meet demands.
We are actively and purposefully involved in several extracurricular activities where staff can get out and blow off steam in a positive manner. This year we have participated in the 24 Hours of Adrenalin and for the first time ever, the Calgary Dragon Boat Festival. We also reach out to the community through taking part in the annual Peigan Fish Rescue and the sponsorship of several families during the Christmas season.
Again my apologies to you, your family and your guests for the offensive behaviour. We will ensure our staff understand the impact of their actions both within the organization and outside in the public domain. If you could forward the contact information for your guests from Halifax I would like to respond to them personally as well.
As a gesture of our apology, we will provide you with a voucher for 10 tickets for the 2005 Calgary Stampede, Chuckwagon and Grandstand show when they go on sale in late August.
If I may be of any additional assistance please contact me or [the Manager of Human Resources and Safety].
Yours truly,
[The Good Company That Went Wild]
...President and CEO
Human Resource’s Reply
2004-08-16
[Manager of Human Resources and Safety]
Dear Evan,
Bob responded to your letter on July 22, 2004 apologizing to you and friends and family for the uncharacteristic behavior of our staff during the Stampede Chuckwagon's and Grandstand show. He also offered to purchase tickets to the 2005 Stampede for you. And lastly he invited you to contact either himself or me if we could be of any additional assistance to you. To my knowledge neither [the president] or I have heard from you regarding this issue.
When it came to my attention today that you published your letter of July 16, 2004 to [the president] on your website..., I was a bit surprised.
As [the president] is currently on holidays, I would like the opportunity to discuss this with you in person. Unfortunately I cannot locate a phone number for you.
My initial request is that you remove the letter from your website for three reasons:
- This was a letter of complaint that was individually addressed to Bob Seager and not to the public in general. Bob has responded to your letter in an appropriate manner.
- Secondly the [former] title which you have given the letter is inappropriate.
- Your description of our staff members physical traits is offensive to the organization.
As a note, the tickets for next year’s Stampede events are now going on sale in September. Unfortunately the information we received about them being available in late August was incorrect.
Please give me a call to discuss the issues.
Sincerely,
[Manager of Human Resources and Safety]
My Reply
2004-08-24
Howdy, [Manager]:
I have been travelling for the month of August, so I apologize for the lateness of my reply.
First, let me say that I am impressed and pleased with your response corporately. I haven’t been home to receive [the president of the company’s] letter, but I appreciate the sentiment that you have conveyed. Thank you.
I published the letter on pintday.org (“We rant so you don't have to.”) because that’s what I do: I write opinionated articles when I think wrong is being done. Your group just happened to have the wrong member of the media sitting behing them.
The [former] title of the page [was] only appropriate in the sort of word-game style of headline writing.
The letter was very insulting to your staff members, and for that I am actually somewhat sorry. But I spent a good while stewing about it while I was at the chuckwagons, so I felt compelled to let them have both barrels.
I honestly have no telephone at this time.
Mr. [Human Resources], sir, no one ever replies to these sorts of missives. Thank you for taking the time. What I’m going to do is remove all reference to your company on the web page. I’ve extracted my chunk of flesh, and continuing to have your name on the site serves no purpose. (Please allow me a little time to do this, as I’m quite far from my workstation right now.)
I will keep the content of the text on the site, however, as an indication of what can be accomplished with a little direct action.
Thank you, but we won’t be needing your Stampede tickets. Perhaps you can distribute them to your staff.
Yours truly,
Evan Spence