Wind Me Up, Watch Me Go.

No Bermuda Shorts, Just a Skinned Knee and Some Venting

Kev Needham | 2004-09-21

Random nonsense that has been bugging the crap out of me lately, a la Bermuda Shorts Day. I wish there was someone I could argue with so that I could do things just like PTI. Oh well, something to bug the Saints about. Let’s get started, ’cause I need a bevvie.

Ding!

Know your role, borrow a clue
People who register domains should read their contract, or at the very least consult with a family member who knows something about them. Should you bother to read the contract you have with the registrar/registry, you’ll discover that you, not your service provider, is responsible for keeping contact information up to date and renewing your domain. Keeping the contact information up to date ensures that you’ll get all those notices that you’ll ignore anyway until your web site and e-mail disappear. After which point you’ll call into said service provider, threaten to sue because you think they should have known better and not let an idiot like you anywhere near the Interweeb, and then destroy my week-after-week by making me explain why you, and not me, are an idiot to all the management types. You must have a clue this big before riding the Internet.

Ding!

Program 1 - Kev 0
Log messages that say “PK11 auth failed to internal (software)” when they really mean “our dumb-assed certificate generation script nuked a configuration file, and now you have to go research the format and rebuild it so the server will start up” raise my ire. Why is it so hard to put meaningful information in a message, especially if the file that’s missing is required for the server to start up. Replacing key databases, regenerating certs, and mucking with a config store in a directory server because a log entry is ridiculously vague is vexing, and now I’m really going to go and upgrade that seven year old software running on my five year old operating system. Computers suck, sysadmins more so, especially when said sysadmin is me. Thankfully, now that the annoying problem is fixed, I can procrastinate and put off installing a real mail system and anti-spam services for another month or so.

Ding!

I don’t need no steenking cel phone
I fired you. I tried to fire you in May, but you wouldn’t let me because you felt I owed you. I made restitution, and you told me it was over and we were done.You left me alone for three months, then waltzed back into my life. You asked me for more, as you felt reconnecting with me was worth something, even though I wanted nothing to do with you. I didn’t want the reconnection, but it was automatic, and you said that’s the way it works. You let me know what might happen if I didn’t cough up, so I did to get you out of my life. You left, and came back a month later claiming you had held my spot, and that was worth something more. I didn’t want my spot. I gave it up. I explained this to you, and you finally seemed to understand. Thank you, but I can guarantee I won’t use one minute of your services again.

Ding!

Processed haddock pretending to be crab masquerading as sushi
Sushi is a delicacy, it’s not like fish-sticks or other Captain Hindgrinder treats. It should be prepared with loving care, and be pleasing to both the eye and the palate. So why, oh why, do the moronic restaurants and stores that sell it here insist on using smoked salmon and fake crab meat as key ingredients? Oh, right, cost... and idiots out East who think that the shit you’re hawking for ten bucks is actually sushi. Try using Maguro, and god help you if you actually used Toro for a piece or two. Even your rolls suck - you make them with cucumber and crab shit. Have you heard of spicy tuna and/or avocado? Just because we’re Easties doesn’t mean we don’t know the difference. Really. I wanna go back to Vancouver.

Ding!

WTF? Dude, are you sure you know what you’re talking about?
If you are responsible for your company’s messaging products, you should probably have some idea of what the Sender ID and Sender Policy Frameworks are all about. You might also want to consider that other people think anti-spam and anti-virus features are expected, not “extrees” that people will pay large sums of dollars for. Oh yeah, IMAP ain’t new, either. *sigh* I guess this is why I’m a C level manager who knows jack shit.

Ding!

Speed kills, and it’ll probably be me
That big, reflective, black on white sign on my street with the hard-to-miss five and zero followed by km/h is intended to remind you that you’re driving through a residential area, not a speedway. That little trick you do where you pull into the outside lane, accelerate up to around 100, and try to beat the traffic on the inside before running into my car parked on the street is way cool. Please note that should you mis-time things, I have an aluminum bat, and will take great pleasure in turning my car’s back end and your forehead into a matching set.

Ding!

Share the road? How ’bout the sidewalk.
I’m tired of all the “Share the Road” signs telling me to be wary of cyclists. Dear Mr. idiot cyclist who is quick to hurl obscenities at any driver who happens by: The sidewalk is not a road, and if you are going down the opposite side of a road on the sidewalk at twenty clicks, there’s a good chance a car may hit you - I think it’s deserved. I have mashed my testicles as a young lad on my first 10-speed while discovering the bar; I don’t need to re-discover mashing them courtesy of you driving the bar into me. If you see a car in a right hand turn lane with it’s turn signal on, and decide to sneak up the right hand side of the car anyways, don’t be surprised when you get tilled into the ground. I could go on forever, so I’ll stop and say “less bitching about cars, more attention to everyone around you. Jackasses.”

Ding!

Tee-hee-hee... oops!
Telling me that there’s a few “loose ends” with billing is a bit of an understatement when it means that close to 3,000 of our customers haven’t been billed for six months. Did you know that we can’t go back and bill past ninety days? Did you not think this might concern me a little? Did it ever occur to you that this was somewhat that should have come up in the thirty conference calls we had where you said everything was fine? What planet do you come from where problems that impact revenue are low priorities? If you see me in the airport, stay away, as you have officially qualified for the position of live turbine inspector.

Ding!

Hello, my name is “Pa”
I hurt my back nastily for the very first time in my life. I didn’t break my hip, poop my pants, develop type-2 diabetes, drool in my soup, or forget that I used aluminum cookware all my life. It’s an injury. That’s all. I AM NOT OLD. I am not young, but I am not old, either. Thanks to everyone that knows me for pointing out that I am no longer as young as I used to be. Hell, you didn’t even say that, you called me “geezer”, “old fart”, and “grandpa”. It gives me great pleasure to remind you all that gravity is making you point down, your clothes fit tighter than they used to, I can still go out when I want to without worrying about a sitter, and I can out-run pretty much all of you - provided I’m not flat on my back in agony.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Thank God it’s Tuesday. It’s time for a beer.

(i be) kev.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004
PD DCLXX

pintday.org » Fresh every Tuesday.