Golf Lesson

kev · June 10, 2003

Now that thoughts of summer are messing with our heads, and we’re really not doing anything but surfing the weeb because everyone else is looking out the window, I thought I’d bring up everyone’s favourite summer pastime: the wonderful game of golf.

Golf has become *quite*popular in the last decade or so, with almost everyone I know picking it up. The problem is that it ain’t cheap. Around these parts you can pay anywhere from $30 to $150 for a round—you can actually pay a lot more, but you’re not crazy—and if you want to get good at the game those fees add up quickly. Another problem is that playing golf takes time—usually four to six hours per round. If you have a wife/girlfriend/family you know how much they hate you taking a day out of the weekend to play a game instead of tending to their needs. You have to work during the week, and you—or your wife/girlfriend/family—would probably prefer that your vacation days are spent in a different fashion.

So what’s a person to do?

It’s pretty simple. You can go golfing in the middle of the week and call it “work” by having a “meeting” while you play. It’s very important you discuss something about work, like how stupid the people you deal with are, how the execs get Aerons and sit in them 0.034 hrs/wk, or just how much you hate it. I recommend discussing this part while tying your shoes or paying for the tab. This way, you get the distasteful part out of the way early, and can discuss the important things (like the beverage cart girl or how you’re normally not this shitty at golf) while actually playing.

By calling it work and having an expense report, you can actually get your company to pay for it because it’s usually cheap enough not to draw attention to it. You can invite pretty much anyone you want with this method, and if you are friends with the people you work with you can cover each other off by saying you were having an “off-site meeting.” If you’re good friends with your boss, bring them along and it’s guaranteed no one will ask questions. The nice part about golf is that it’s cheap enough that no one will really pay attention if you spread it out among everyone in the office.

Don’t have an expense account? No problem! Call up your local sales representative from a company that sells expensive toys and tell them you are thinking about purchasing fifty or so. It’s important to identify yourself as someone who sounds like they have purchasing authority, but to remain non-committal on everything. Don’t pretend to work for a big company, they’ll check, and don’t call smaller companies. They actually work for a living and deserve not to be screwed. Try something like:

“Hey Bob, I’ve been working with a client of mine who is looking to upgrade all their enterprise switches, and we’ve been talking Cisco. It’d probably take forty to fifty 6500s plus support contracts, and I was wondering if you’d be interested in discussing the opportunity a little more. I like golf, and because you’d happily be my bitch to get the comp on an order this size, we should discuss the matter over a round of whack-fuck.”

They may ask for a little more information on the phone, but if you stick to the “I can’t tell you anything over the phone” ploy, their greed will normally get the best of them and they’ll take the chance. If you’re really good you can get dinner afterwards thrown in. Remember, reps like to golf too, and the only person who will really have to do any work on this would be the sales engineer, who will effectively act as caddy for the round.

When you do schedule your round, make sure your tee time is late morning/early afternoon. Why schedule it this way? You want your co-workers who aren’t coming along (if applicable) to think you’re actually working, so you call the golf game a “meeting,” and schedule it as such. Having a 12:00 tee time allows you to show up at work, be around long enough so people think you’ve been there most of the day doing something useful, and then head off to your “meeting” for the afternoon with very few questions.

If you really want to make it look like you’re working you can route your office phone to your cel and tell everyone who calls that you’re in an all-day meeting and will follow up the next day. Be warned that this is very poor golf etiquette, but if you’ve chosen option two (the sales rep) it’s no biggie, because guaranteed they’ll answer their phone four or five times per hole. RIM devices are also acceptable, but you’ll look uber-geeky, and the point is to enjoy the day, not be tied to your electronic leash(es).

Finally, remember to use SPF 45 sunscreen on all exposed areas, or make sure you are leather tanned before you go out. There is no bigger giveaway than leaving the office pasty white, and coming back Larry the Lobster red. Your peers may be stupid, but they’re not that stupid. Well, ok, most of them are, but there’s one or two in the fold who’d probably pick up on it and, let’s face it, being their bitch would really suck.

Following these steps will probably get you on the course four or five times over the summer. If you go on the sales rep’s dime, remember to call them three days later and tell them the deal fell through. You may be able to pull this one off a second time with the same vendor, but remember you may actually need to buy stuff from them in the future, so don’t go overboard. Use a wide selection of vendors, preferably ones who compete with/hate each other so they’re not apt to swap stories.

Moderation, like anything else, is the key. Spread it out over time and people, and you’ll get some nice golf days with very little risk of suspicion. You and your cow-orkers will get a few mental health days, you might meet some nice vendors and enjoy some free food, and it won’t cut into family time so you’ll get to sleep in your own bed on a regular basis.

As far as the game itself is concerned, I am the last person you want advice from. Trust me on this one—just ask anyone who’s played with me. Besides, I helped get you there, what more do you want from me? From here on it’s all up to you, and if you’ll excuse me I’m off to a meeting of my own!

kev · PDDCIII

Golf Lesson

Leave a Reply