Oh No, Not Again
On the reasons for the impending low voter turnout.
Apparently, there is an election on.
I know, I was surprised as the next guy, but after the 10th or 11th time a political commercial was aired during my hockey game, well, I started to suspect something was up. Further research (a glance at a campaign sign on my neighbour’s lawn) confirmed my suspicions. Election day was fast approaching.
With this in mind, I did some serious electoral research: I stopped tuning out during the campaign commercials.
This is what I have learned about the state of Canadian politics:
- There are no issues. Every party will improve health care, education, and accountability. Perhaps not surprisingly, nobody defines improve. Come to think of it, nobody defines accountability either.
- The solution to every problem is to throw money at it. Health care woes can be solved by more money. Infrastructure? More money. Law enforcement? More money. Social programs? More money. Poverty? More money. Don’t worry about how the money is spent. The key is quantity, not quality.
- Promise lower taxes. Nobody falls for it anymore, but it seems unconvincing not to lie about it regardless.
- Be as boring as possible. Controversy = media attention, and no party wants people thinking too closely about issues.
- Make sure TV commercials focus on your party leader’s head. I have no idea what the appeal is, but all three majors seem to be following this advice.
- It is mandatory to include a Canadian flag somewhere in the frame during political advertisements. This is in case your voters forget which country they live in.
- They key to being convincing is to smile unnaturally while talking. Ridiculously thick TV makeup also adds to this convincing image.
- Air your commercials during Hockey Night in Canada. This is, after all, the only time Canadians spend any time watching Canadian television.
- Foreign policy: Terrorism Bad
Based on this extensive research, I have come to the careful conclusion that this country is in some deep ca-ca. Why does the old Mad Magazine tag-line “the usual gang of idiots” keep coming to mind?
Screw it. I’m gonna vote for the first leader to do a campaign commercial wearing a Flames Jersey.
kj · PDDCLIV
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