O O Ø O O O O
I could do without
I could do without the perception that golf shirts are somehow functionally different than t-shirts, and are therefore suitable business attire. Why must the places of our professions be designated as no different from the places of our leisure? Why must we present ourselves to the world as perpetually, and now professionally, casual. I suppose the juxtaposition of leisure wear and the office was inevitable, since no one distinguishes between attire for private purposes, such as gardening or watching TV, and garb for public presentation. Golf shirts are the sweatpants of business.
I could do with fewer inoperable motion-sensing, cold-water only faucets. I’m a card-carrying member of the no-touch bathroom brigade, but I would rather serve myself with a reliably straightforward chrome handle than have to jump from sink to sink plunging my hands frantically under the spouts until I find the motion-sensing G-spot. The latest gizmos are automatic soap dispensers, which do an excellent job of conserving soap, since they almost never work. What does work is foot pedals. See the Saddledome for details. More of these.
I could do without the permanent airport improvement fees levied by continually expanding airport authorities. Despite what Rem Koolhaus envisions, airports are not the new main streets of our cities. They’re regionally mute non-places, whose only function ought to be to provide travellers with a place to buy a copy of The Economist, a comfortable seat in which to read it, and a ready source of quinine to help assuage the whole sordid, modern flying experience.
I could do with fewer strippers—Beyoncé, Britney, Christina, I’m looking in your direction—making their livings as singers. They’re pretty, and they can pole dance with the best of them, but is it really music?
I could do without the lifestyle accessories (candles, picture frames, incense holders) that have replaced most of the books in what used to be Canada’s bookstores.
I could do without Calgary’s ridiculous smoking bylaws that have made its taverns less healthy places, by forcing smokers inside, off the patios.
I could do without the trans fats that seem to have made their way into most packaged food.
I could do with fewer blades on my razor. (Actually, I make do just fine with one.)
I could do without being told that recycling is easy and that “every little bit helps.” Our collective waste problem is systemic and gargantuan. Recycling is a bromide we administer so we can convince ourselves that everything is going to be okay. Naturally we should recycle, but the real solution is to not consume in the first place.
I could do without dual zone climate control, electronic seat adjustments, central driving information consoles, power locks and all the other gew-gaws that will make modern cars unsupportable, and therefore uncollectible and undesirable in 20 years’ time.
I could do without toasted subs at Subway, sandwiches at McDonald’s, and steeped tea at Tim Hortons.
I could do without the trash talking in the NBA, the lame celebrations after every play in the NFL, and the New York Yankees’ annual offseason antics in MLB.
I make do just fine without fax machines, cell phones and PDAs.
I could do with fewer automatic updates to everything on my computer. Why does every piece of software feel compelled to contact its mothership fortnightly?
I could do without having to swim through the sea of perfume the Hudson’s Bay Company sees fit to install at the entrance to all of its stores.
I could do with fewer channels, if there’s not going to be anything on them except crappy reno shows.
I could do with less convergence. What’s wrong with doing one thing well?
I could do with fewer overpasses and more density. Fewer suburbs and more redevelopment. Fewer discounters, and more style. Fewer speech writers and more orators. Fewer semicolons and more m-dashes. Fewer player associations and more hockey.
I could do completely without the Atkins craze, luxury SUVs, municipal omnibus bylaws, foreign policy, CPP, CBC, the CRTC, the monarchy, America’s continued demonization of the French, ruminant-laced cattle feed, government safety agencies, MSG, MDF, federal equalization programmes, temporary classrooms on brand new schools, digital copyrights asserted on public domain books, Telus’ animal ads, ClearChannel, zany morning DJs, the next whiny britpop band, loud cell phone talkers, teenagers’ inflected sentences, easy consumer credit, oversized rubberized handles, uninteresting ales, spelling “night” N-I-T-E, spelling “light” L-I-T-E, Tori Spelling, Microsoft checking my spelling, Microsoft checking my grammar, Internet Explorer, email about “Cialis soft tabs,” Comic Sans, the Family Circus, denominations of our national currency ($100) that aren’t accepted by retailers, vinyl siding, laminate flooring, resumé-speak, clip art restaurant menus, pan & scan movies, Cineplex Odeon, celebrities professing their mutual love on national TV, chanteuse versions of national anthems, the centre ice red line, composite hockey sticks, Theoren Fleury bashing, Maple Leaf conspiracy theorists, the Toronto Raptors, the Summer Olympics, poker on TSN, women wearing bluejeans under their skirts, ug boots, solar fleece, animated web banners, Flash-only sites, registration-only sites, stale sites, sites with really tiny pixel type, aggregator sites, sightline legislation in Halifax, and Haligonian road salt. Among other things.
And I could do well without Walmart and anything else that asks me to sacrifice beauty and sustainability for economy.
Couldn’t you?
Evan Spence
January 11, 2005
OOØOOOODCLXXXVI
April 17th, 2005 at 2:35 pm
That is a good list of many of today’s problems. It’s good to know that there are people that don’t fall into the ever-eating, ever-spending, boob-tubing, masses.
February 9th, 2006 at 7:58 am
i don’t think i could do without the internet. when i get a question about almost anything in my head, it’s my first resort. i would go crazy. god made Google! Yes i’m an addict! How did i get this way :( ??
i could do without red bull and jagermeister.