O O Ø O O O O
Dear North Americans
1953 Vespa 125u
I’m still combating a lingering sense of dissatisfaction with the way you’re running things over here. Here’s a few residual observations (and a whole lot of snobbery) that I jotted down in Bologna last summer.
First, learn to care about what you cook. Start by understanding your ingredients, particularly about where and how they were grown, or what they were fed. Your mad cow debacle should be driving this point home right now. For comparison, the prosciutto in Emilia Romagna, is reared on water chestnuts and the leftover whey from the making of Parmesano Reggiano. Thinly sliced and served with melon, it’s indescribable. No, that’s not exactly true. It’s like butter. In the same vein, what passes for ice cream in North America bears no resemblance to the real thing, as served by Elisa at Gelateria NoveCento (22 Via Massarenti, Bologna). And yes, that includes all the try-hard brands like Häagen Daaz, Ben & Jerry’s and the lumpen ice served at the so-called gelaterias you have in Canada. If I can’t have Novecento’s pistacchio, I don’t want any of it.
Now assume “X” is reasonable.
Next, develop a sense of scale. Look to see whether the vehicle you’re driving is even remotely related to it. When did you North Americans become so insecure about your collective genitalia that everything you use or build has to be 50% larger than required? Italian men may grab their package with curious frequency, but at least they aren’t putting it out there in the form of Grand Cherokees and Escalades. “Hooray! My penis is mighty.”
Then ask why must your liquor laws be so prudish? What’s wrong with being asked if that bottle of beer is “to go,” after the bartender has taken off the cap? You have too many laws against victimless crimes without which you would be reduced to European-style anarchy and disgrace. Heaven forbid someone might want to sit and enjoy a beer under a portico, or take along a bottle of wine to a picnic in a city park. Chaos! Forget about legalizing pot, try legalizing alcohol first.
Finally, remember that what you’ve been doing with standardized plumbing is absolutely bang-on. Keep it up! Euros are insane about their plumbing: hidden wall-mounted WC handles, bathroom lights that don’t turn on until you lock the door, stunted bathtubs with seats, and mysteriously located shower heads, to name only a few. And bidets. Nothing beats the straightforwardness of a good ol’ North American can.
Evan Spence
February 1, 2005
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April 13th, 2005 at 1:02 pm
i think this is the rong site
April 21st, 2005 at 10:38 am
No, it’s the right site. You’re just using the wrong browser.