O O Ø O O O O
Mostly, I Like the Hat
The Cardinals of the Holy Roman Church
c/o The Holy See
00120 Via del Pellegrino
Citta del Vaticano
Dear Sirs:
I’m Evan Spence, a longtime contributor to the online serial pintday.org. It’s a weekly opinion vehicle that likes to tackle societal problems of all sizes, and occasionally offers unsolicited advice to people in positions of power.
Today, you nice gentlemen are recipients of the latter.
Although I don’t pretend to understand the intricacies of the papal succession process, I would like to tug on your sleeves about something before you sequester yourselves in the conclave.
I’ve heard there’s an outside chance a Canadian cardinal could become Pope. Canadians are often popular nominees for these types of supra-national positions. I guess we seem like nice compromises.
So if a Canadian is a possibility, I thought to myself, why not me?
Please accept this letter as confirmation of my intention to run for Pope.
Although I was reared a Catholic, I would have a hard time calling myself a Christian. Let it be known though, that I am a huge fan of Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar. I think a feature of my papacy would be to mend the rift between fans of the original rock opera, and fans of the movie. As two factions of the same faith, we should be doing all we can to come together in our celebration of groove, disco and rock.
Music aside, you will no doubt be interested in my platform. Here are the planks:
As Evan the First, my first papal bull will proclaim that condoms are a tidy, effective means for combating overpopulation and disease. Every sperm can still be sacred, just not necessarily more sacred than the people already here.
Second, I’ll make it known that abortion is a subject the Church won’t touch with a ten-foot staff. As Roman Pontiff, I’ll assure the flock that the successors of Peter would never dream of getting between a woman and her doctor. Out.
Next, priests will be free to perform marriages for whomever to whomever they please. As the ultimate punctuation mark on this whole sanctity-of-marriage farce, I’ll demonstrate that other people’s desires in no way lessen the validity of anyone else’s marriage. A man could marry his toaster, for all I care.
Speaking of marriage, I should mention that I’m married. But since the Church’s misguided experiment with “celibacy” will be the next orthodoxy to hit the bin during my Papacy, I don’t see it being a problem.
While some of these may seem radical on the surface, you will be happy to learn that these are very commonplace views in the secular world. I can also assure you that I’m a quite a traditionalist. For instance, I am a long standing practitioner of the tradition of drinking beer on Tuesday afternoon. (Speaking of which, what are the possibilities of moving the Sabbath from Sunday to Tuesday? I see it being mostly a weekday parking issue. We’ll talk.)
Relocating won’t be a problem: I absolutely adore Italy. I have this cookbook, Marcella Hazan’s Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking, which is very much like a bible to me. Lord knows I’ve read more of Mrs. Hazan’s book than the “actual” bible. Unless you count the Picture Bible, which I’ve read cover-to-cover, twice.
Please keep me posted on your decision. Although I’m actually scheduled to start a new job on the first of May, I would happily change my plans to move to Vatican City, where I’m certain there would be much better coverage of Serie A football than we get in Canada.
Yours reverentially,
Evan Spence
P.S. I would like to sweeten the pot with three little words: Beatification for everyone!
Evan Spence
April 12, 2005
OOØOOOODCXCIX
April 13th, 2005 at 3:27 am
Never noticed the comments field before…perhaps I’m slow.
Sounds like an excellent idea to me. I think technically you need to be a Cardinal first, but hey…
April 16th, 2005 at 12:20 am
Bad news Ev. I just checked the latest odds at www.popebetting.com, and your name wasn’t even listed. Maybe Dan Brown could write a book on the Vatican conspiracy to keep you out of the Papacy.
April 18th, 2005 at 12:44 pm
In an article on MSNBC the following was quoted:
“During a Mass before the start of the conclave, Ratzinger, a conservative cardinal seen as a front-runner to be the next pope, told fellow prelates they must choose a pontiff who will defend traditional teachings and reject attempts to modernize doctrine.
In his homily, Ratzinger, 78, spoke in unusually blunt terms against “a dictatorship of relativism” — the ideology that there are no absolute truths.
“Having a clear faith, based on the creed of the church, is often labeled today as fundamentalism,” said Ratzinger, who is the Vatican’s doctrinal chief and dean of the College of Cardinals. “Whereas relativism, which is letting oneself be tossed and ’swept along by every wind of teaching,’ looks like the only attitude acceptable to today’s standards.
“We are moving toward a dictatorship of relativism which does not recognize anything as for certain and which has as its highest goal one’s own ego and one’s own desires.” “
Apparently there would be some opposition to your liberal position.
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April 21st, 2005 at 10:35 am
Oooh. You just called Ev a liberal.
Exit, stage left.
April 23rd, 2005 at 9:41 pm
That would be a classical liberal, which doesn’t bother me.
Since a recount seems out of the question (they inexplicably burned all the ballots), I guess I’m going to have to concede this particular election.
Also, I don’t have a cool nickname like “God’s Rottweiler.”
June 13th, 2005 at 5:48 pm
as a jew fully loaded with the requisite guilt and resentment i feel i must support this nomination