O O Ø O O O O
Rules of the Road
When I was about eighteen months old, my parents began to teach me about travelling. We moved every year for the first six years of my life, so they probably started before that, but blank-brained babies do not make good recorders. We lived in some far-away places, and took long car-based vacations, so the first few trips were very important in setting down the rules.
The rules were pretty simple:
- Don’t kick the seat in front of you.
- Go to the bathroom while stopped.
- When dad uses your full name or an expleted deleted, you are very close to spanking territory.
- There’s three of you in the seat. Pretend there are lines dividing the seat into equal sections. Don’t cross the lines.
- Read a book, stare at the clouds, play traffic bingo, colour, have a nice conversation with your imaginary friend. Whatever, do something to keep you occupied, just don’t bug the driver/mom/dad/siblings.
- The person next to you can only be your pillow if you’re on reasonably good terms with each other. Regardless of terms, no drooling.
- Whining will not make you arrive at the destination any faster. Neither will asking “are we there yet?” or “how much longer?”
- Doing anything biological that can be detected by anyone else is a bad idea, unless you’re the driver, in which case you can do pretty much whatever you please.
- Flipping the bird to the cop beside your car, while funny at the time, will get you in more trouble than you can possibly imagine.
Simple, common-sense rules. Any kid can follow them and, if they can’t, there’s always the five-point harness and a muzzle. I still live by these rules today, regardless of where or how I travel. They’re not complicated, and following them keeps me relatively happy and ensures I won’t bother anyone else.
Unfortunately, because I know these rules and follow them, I kind of expect everyone else to as well. Talk about setting yourself up for a let-down.
To the little man who sat next to me from Tucson to Chicago I have to ask - were you raised by wolves? Did you know those deep snorts every 10 minutes where we can hear the chunks in your sinuses coming free are disgusting? Did you notice how well-behaved, quiet and still the toddler in front of us was? Has it ever occured to you that, due to the lack of space in the row of seats, that sitting cross-legged takes up other people’s space as well as your own?
I appreciate the fact that you find my shoulder comfy, but I feel you should know that it can be used to deliver a fairly solid body check. Be thankful mom taught me that was bad manners, because I really felt like showing you a Gordie Howe impression. I also feel sorry you’re hyper-active and can’t sit still for two minutes, but the constant bouncing around makes it very difficult to read, sleep, or enjoy the flight peacefully. Please consider lithium for your next in-flight meal.
I don’t understand what it is about travelling by air that turns people into such impolite boobs. Maybe it’s the lack of pressure. Maybe it’s the ultra-comfy 8 inches of legroom Untied gives everyone. Maybe it’s the fact that you can’t get a breath of fresh air-although it’d be nice if you could let them out to stretch their legs. Whatever it is, there always seem to be a herd of ignoramuses on board who could give a rats ass about any one else.
The rules aren’t hard, and they beat the “rules of the road” pretty much any day of the week; although I would expect that would depend on what side of the fence you’re sitting on. Those bipedal hominids scattered about the inside of the narrow, pressurized tube in close proximity are people. They’re having just as little fun as everyone else, and a little common courtesy would go a long way to making the trip a helluva lot better for everyone.
The rules my parents taught me transfer pretty well. Consider trying them out. Mom and dad, do me a huge favour and teach the kids no matter what the age, will ya? Maybe in ten years travelling will be fun again.
Kev Needham
April 26, 2005
OOØOOOODCCI
April 27th, 2005 at 6:44 am
so lemme get this straight.. you had a little man sleep on ur shoulder? awwwwwwwww :)
April 27th, 2005 at 7:01 am
United possibly?
April 27th, 2005 at 10:09 am
“just don’t bug the driver.” In an airplane, this would now probably result in you being Tasered, hog-tied and sent indefinitely to Guantanamo.
April 27th, 2005 at 11:14 am
But on the upside: Free trip to Cuba!
April 27th, 2005 at 11:30 am
Sorry, Mr. Perkins, I should have put (sic) beside “Untied”. At a company I worked for in the past, they were the preferred airline, which meant we had to take them. They had a very similar idea of customer service to Mapleflot, and we christened them “Untied”, because we thought it suited them a little better.
Tasers are interesting toys - I still find it incredible that anyone can buy them. But hey, Sgt. Mike from my hometown says they’re grrrrreat, so all that bad publicity leading to bad news for Taser shareholders must be overblown.
kj - where’s the upside again? :)
April 27th, 2005 at 12:38 pm
According to Daily Planet the problems likely stem from Oxygen deprivation. Apparently people feel a range of symptoms that can possibly be explained by this. The neanderthal next to you already having a sinus problem likely suffered more and was practically starving for oxygen. It also likely slowed higher brain functions resulting in politeness and manners slipping below normal thought processes.
April 27th, 2005 at 5:27 pm
I had a jackass next to me on the flight back from NYC a few months back that I ended up flicking in the ear because he refused to leave my shoulder alone. You should have seen the look on his face!
April 28th, 2005 at 5:57 am
I sat on a row of three on a flight from Vancouver to the UK, and was in the middle. The two women either side of me were German and talked throughout the flight to each other, over my head. They refused to give up their aisle or window seat so they could sit next to each other. It was hell.
April 29th, 2005 at 3:13 pm
My ear still hurts, you bastard.
April 29th, 2005 at 7:43 pm
are you sure it was really his finger?
April 30th, 2005 at 12:52 pm
Ugh. Must wash.