The Ivory Manifesto

Fourteen years, and ten bullet points to show for it.

Evan Spence | 2005-06-14

One.

You are not a target market, try not to act like one. In particular, don’t behave like the geniuses behind the Sprite ads would like you to.

Two.

Sacrifice security for liberty. We’ve been doing the opposite for decades, and how secure are we now, really?

Three.

Do not accept convenience or price as a justification for ugliness. This means no Wal-Mart, and no American cars built after 1988. No, the new Mustang is not an exception.

Four.

Vote to secede. When the separatists win, vote to secede from that state too. Keep doing this until you can hold a referendum to become sovereign from your block. Then put up a child gate between your upstairs and downstairs.

Five.

Don’t buy what they’re selling. It’s laced with growth hormones, colour and estrogen. It’s overpackaged, undernourishing, and the portions are too large. There’s too much sucrose.

Six.

Use satire to keep people straight.

'Isn't a manifesto supposed to be a declaration of actionable principles? This is just a re-hashed list of rants we've all seen before.' 'Only if you've actually been reading these damn things.' 'Yeah, I tuned out after Yoda stopped writing.'

It’s easy, anyone can do it.

Seven.

Real food takes more time to prepare, but you’ll come out ahead in the end, because you’ll live longer and enjoy yourself more in the interim.

Eight.

Further to point Seven, if you’re still cooking potatoes in the microwave, stop. Do as follows:

  • Clean two potatoes and pierce them with a fork.
  • Roll them around in a bowl with two tablespoons of canola oil.
  • Douse them in kosher salt.
  • Bake them at 350 directly on the rack. Place a pan covered in aluminum foil underneath them to catch the dripping oil. Do not wrap the potatoes in foil, or they will stew, and ruin the crispy, salty skin.
  • For about an hour.
  • You’re perfectly welcome.
Nine.

Much like deliberately avoiding perfect attendance at school, break with tradition every so often.

Just don’t expect us to break it here.

Ten.

Make the bastards crawl.

Evan Spence

June 14, 2005
OOØOOOODCCVIII

8 Responses to “The Ivory Manifesto”

  1. kev Says:
    June 14th, 2005 at 8:45 am

    I like the Ford GT. Very sixties retro, but it’s still stylin’. I’ve always though the Mustang was terribly un-sexy. The Chrysler Crossfire is also an eye-catcher on the roads - I always do a double-take when I see the Chrysler logo on it. But for the overwhelming majority I agree - ugly, ugly, ugly.

    And then BMW had to go hire the guy responsible for most of GM’s “æsthetics” to bugger up what was a beautiful design. sigh

    Thanks for the potato idea, I will definitely give it a try.

  2. priior Says:
    June 14th, 2005 at 6:10 pm

    aluminum foil wrapped potatoes are for pussies.

  3. Mr B Cook Says:
    June 16th, 2005 at 11:48 am

    Is the 1988 Buick Le Sabre ok?

  4. Gopher Says:
    June 16th, 2005 at 5:59 pm

    I miss Yoda.

  5. Evan Says:
    June 16th, 2005 at 8:39 pm

    I suppose cars built in 1988 technically meet the vintage criterion, but we’ll have to leave it as an exercise to the reader whether or not the Le Sabre counts as tasteful.

    Actually, it could be worse. At least the folks at Buick didn’t take the body panels of a decades-previous model and cram them onto a new chasis, thereby abrogating their responsibilities as designers.

    <cough>Ford.

  6. joe Says:
    June 20th, 2005 at 10:29 pm

    The tip for Cooking spuds was GREAT! Thanks. But the heat in my kitchen makes it a suffering….

  7. Evan Says:
    June 21st, 2005 at 1:00 pm

    It’s also a little hard on the power grid, compared to nukin’ ‘em. But what’s burning a little more coal compared to tasty and delicious potato skin?

  8. dazal Says:
    June 27th, 2005 at 9:08 pm

    You can bake taters on the BBQ - wash them and wrap them in thin folil and leave em on the bbq for about an hour - enjoy with you favaorite fixins. Yam

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