O O Ø O O O O
Hacker
I sit at my keyboard, concentrating intently on the glowing phosphors that convery the data flows of systems I am navigating. I delve into HR databases, corporate directories, and application environments that constantly feed and feed off of each other. I assess, analyse, and collect reams of information from constructs that aren’t my own. It’s work which requires a significant amount of focus, and any distractions can lead me down a hole that is difficult to climb out of.
Enter the Hacker.
It starts innocently enough, with the sounds of food wrappers being crumpled and thrown in the trash. Voice mail is checked—on speakerphone—and returned, and stories of failed crusades at the local watering hole from the previous night are shared. E-mail is also checked, as a torrent of two-fingered typing is heard.
Then, it begins.
“eh-eh-ehm”
A minor clearing of the throat, which is only to be expected at this time of day. I have done the same on many a day, although I usually manage to have a clear throat before I leave the house unless I’m ill. I go back to my screen, and begin mapping out what must be done today.
“ehh-eh-ehmmm”
A distraction from over the wall, which really isn’t over the wall so much as bounced off the ceiling. The environment is quiet, and any sound beyond keyboards clacking, phones ringing, or background discussion seems to be amplified. I pause for a second, and return to my work.
“ehh-eh-ehm pause hoooooooooooorrrrrrrrk pause ehh-eh-ehm”
I grit my teeth and tell myself that it’s nothing I can control, and that my neighbour probably can’t control it, either. I’m somewhat perturbed, and am having difficulty returning to the task at hand, as my concentration is continually being broken. I take the opportunity to grab a beverage myself, and return to my desk to start again.
“ehhh-ehh-eeehhhhhmmm”
My eyes roll, and in exasperated reflex, I ball my hands into a fist and let them hit the work surface with a pleasing “thud”. I hear a very similar “thud” from another area adjacent to the Hacker, and wonder if the same thoughts are going through that person’s head. I think that surely there can’t be any phlegm left in the Hacker’s throat at this point, and I attempt to go back to my work.
“ehh-ehh-choking sound, followed by a nasty clearing cough that reminds me of great green gobs of crap that accompanied my pneumonia, when I had it-ehhmmmm”
This is quickly followed by several other “ehhh-ehh-emm”s, each one driving an icepick into my brain, and I am sure the brains of everyone else. Visuals of suffocation-inducing plastic bags, fire hoses down gullets, and U.S. Post Office on a bad day go through my head. I think of several nasty suggestions to make, but keep my silence.
“ehhhhh-ehh-ehmmm”
My concentration is completely gone. I cringe everytime I hear any movement from the Hacker’s lair, expecting another infuriating clearing of throat at any second. I want to leap over the divider and scream “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE MAN, HAVE A GLASS OF WATER, SUCK ON A CANDY, OR GIVE UP SMOKING!!!!” while throttling the hacking, phlegmatic breath out of him.
Instead, I sit and wonder just how painful piercing my eardrums with my pen would be. Two weeks of this have passed, and there are two more weeks to go. If I wind up on the front page of your friendly, neighbourhood tabloid, this may be why.
“ehhh-ehh-ehm”
Kev Needham
August 9, 2005
OOØOOOODCCXVI
August 9th, 2005 at 7:01 pm
Could be worse. You could be listening to “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment….” over and over.
August 10th, 2005 at 7:35 am
When it gets sooooo bad you have to throw up - make sure you do it on the Hacker’s side of the “wall”!;)
August 10th, 2005 at 3:58 pm
2 WEEKS! Is that it! I have a guy who sits two cubes over from me who is a cronic “sniffer”. I’ve put up with him for a good 18 months. He goes from this weird sort of exhale sniff thing to the ehh-eh-ehmmms and has at times horked up a lung. The root cause is allergies but he doesn’t take his meds during the day and some days I’m that close to going postal on him. I have an ex coworker who ended up telecommuting as much as possible as it bugged her to death. My solution is headphones and really loud mp3s.
Oh and don’t get me started on his weekly ritual of clipping his nails. >_<
August 10th, 2005 at 7:45 pm
Now imagine if you are the one who has to look at the phlegm (on the kleenex, in the garbage, in the kidney shaped spit bin). Is it bacterial? Is it viral? Is it bloody or not? Oh wait! Is that a piece of tumour I see? I really hope it’s not TB…
August 11th, 2005 at 7:32 am
A small burst of pepper spray in his cubicle would cause a torrent of coughing for about an hour but would purge his system of any phlegm for about 2 weeks. Just a thought…….