O O Ø O O O O
Dear Prime Minister,
Pro Tem
The Right Honourable Stephen Harper
Prime Minister, Pro Tem
House of Commons
Parliament Buildings
Ottawa, ON K1A 0A6
Dear Mr. Prime Minister, sir:
I have written to congratulate you on your successful ascension to the Canadian throne, and to pass on some friendly advice.
First, an introduction. I am Evan Spence, senior editor of the online opinion rag pintday.org. We’re a loose bunch of freedom-loving, forward-thinking folk, who employ the twin powers of the internet and beer to make our voices heard. We’re a very approachable group of technorati, with quite divergent political opinions. In fact, I think I’m the only anarchist in the bunch.
Second, some history. I normally address my open letters to the Prime Minister using the honourific Lord Protector, by which I mean to imply there’s nothing more powerful than the PMO in a parliamentary majority. Yes, it’s a reference to Oliver Cromwell. Yes, it’s meant to reference the Man-Who-Wouldn’t-Be King’s unprecedented and vicious suppression of the west.
I wouldn’t have wanted to use that honourific for you though, Mr. Prime Minister, sir. First, because you’re my representative in parliament (Yes! I live in Calgary South) and second—and more obviously—because you don’t wield the corrupting power of an absolute parliamentary majority. Witness the beautiful paralysis of a minority government in action.
(I’m at a bit of a loss as to what the proper honourific should be for someone in your position. Perhaps Henri-Philippe Petain? We will see.)
For the past few weeks I have been contemplating your path to power, and how the constitution states that a westerner gets to run the country for thirty minutes every decade or so.
Mr. Prime Minster, sir, as you follow in the noble footsteps of Clark, Turner and Campbell, know that you are going to have to make haste if—in your brief time allotted—you are going to bring to our Calgary South riding the sort of patronage and pork that the citizens of other Prime Ministers’ ridings have come to expect.
To that end, I have composed the following shopping list:
- Move the National Gallery to the corner of Southland and Elbow Drive, thereby transforming the indescribably ugly post-modern pink-stucco Santa Fe-style strip mall presently blighting the site, into a prominent national heritage destination.
- Hire some of your Calgarian friends to develop it. If you need an archimatect architect, I can recommend several good ones. They won’t come cheaply (wink), but boy are they Calgarian.
- Instruct the Business Development Bank of Canada to start funding the Banff-Calgary-Edmonton monorail. This thing isn’t going to build itself. It’s time for the citizens of Prince Edward Island and British Columbia to chip in for the betterment of our national capital (pro tem).
- Relocate the mint—just the token souvenir-pressing one in Ottawa, not the real one in Winnipeg—to the newly founded cultural district in Calgary, just north of the new National Gallery, beside P.J.’s Liquor. It’s a former gas station site that no one seems interested in developing. Also, P.J. could use the added walk-up traffic.
Mr. Harper, sir, you’re going to have to mash the pedal to the firewall if you’re going to make any progress on these important patronage issues over the next few months. Anything less than an all-out effort, and you’ll never be able transform Calgary South into Shawinigan West.
Forward!
Evan Spence
February 7, 2006
OOØOOOODCCXLII
February 23rd, 2006 at 11:49 am
You clearly forgot (beer induced amnesia?) to request the transfer of the virtual gun registry project to Hoadley Alberta. The beauty of this project is that it requires no bricks and mortar establishment (hence placing it in a hamlet with no inhabitants) but just requires that the ROC send a half billion or so each year to Alberta to be used to support all those who require time to themseves in order to find the true meaning of Canadian identity. As has been seen in the past, no real output or product is required, only a few press releases each year expounding on the success of the program and berating the red necks (wait a minute .. thats us for God’s sake) who oppose this enlightened transfer of wealth. Be quick Prime minister, before some other jurisdiction claims rights to the transfer by aboriginal precedence or multicultural advantage.
Regards
Your humble servant;
Hoadley Bob