O O Ø O O O O
How To Get Your Clothes Torn Off By A Strange Woman
First, drive down to the nearest recycling depot with your monthly load of conscience-soothing detritus. Make an ironic note of the woman pulling recyclables out of her idling SUV.
Find a way to slip on the ice in front of the collection bin. Make sure to stop your fall by driving your hand through the plastic bag full of clean, label-free glass containers.
Finish the recycling, then drive yourself to the conveniently close hospital to have your lacerated finger looked at. There’s Kleenex in the car to help with the bleeding.
Pay for 40 minutes of parking in the overflow lot, then make your way to Emergency. Appreciate how busy the room seems to be at nine on a Sunday morning. Wonder to yourself if you should even spend the time waiting. It’s only a few cuts, but you decide that since they’re reasonably deep, and strategically placed over knuckles, they might benefit from a couple of sutures. Join the deep queue at the admitting desk.
Here’s the first of two critical points. It’s important to get this exactly right, otherwise there’s almost zero chance of getting your clothes torn off.
Faint.
When you regain consciousness, you’ll find yourself being helped to a chair, whisked past the long line at Admissions. Provide your name and your circumstances while getting your blood pressure checked, then take a seat in the waiting room. Be advised that the other people standing in the admissions line may not be too impressed with you.
Grab a boring magazine, and start thumbing through it. The second critical point is next.
Faint again.
This time, make sure to hit your head on the floor as you slide off the chair. The hitting your head part is critical, as it escalates the seriousness with which your condition will be treated. As an added bonus, you will find that coming-to after a crack to the noggin is quite like a total reboot. “Who am I?” “Where am I?” “Am I in bed?” “If I were in bed, where would that bed be?” Be warned, however, that when you realize that you just made a scene by dropping out of your chair in the emergency waiting room, you will probably be disillusioned, and just slightly embarrassed.
You will then be whisked off in a wheelchair to an area with beds. You won’t actually be treated ahead of patients with more serious conditions, but you will get your clothes removed by a young woman you haven’t even met.
This procedure can be quite effortless with a little practice, or if you get queasy at the thought of the sight of your own blood.
Results may vary.
Evan Spence
March 21, 2006
OOØOOOODCCXLVIII
March 21st, 2006 at 12:44 pm
And that’s why you should never recycle.
That, and recycling is like sharing. And sharing is for communists and poor people.
March 23rd, 2006 at 11:44 pm
Hahaha. No offence, but LMAO. Good post indeed, kind sir, and in that spirit I bid you adieu!
March 24th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
Im embarrased to be related to you. Does everyone else know that you also fainted in Italy because you were too hot….and perhaps a little thirsty?
March 26th, 2006 at 8:41 am
Heat stroke at 12. Hi-larious!
March 27th, 2006 at 1:43 pm
Damn straight. Even funnier if you fall off something high.