O O Ø O O O O
The pd.o Guide to Lying
If you have ever worked a job that involves interaction with the particular class of vermin known as “the public,” then you are likely already familiar with the all-important art of lying. If this is the case, this guide is not for you. This guide is written for all of you naive workers out there who are still helping these so-called “customers.” Put quite simply, lying can rid you of all but the most pesky and determined “clientele,” freeing up your time for vastly more important tasks such as surfing the web, or making personal phone calls on company time.
It should be noted that even for the best of liars, some determined “patrons” may not be entirely deterred. For this demographic, a carefully staged capitulation is in order—see Phase IV–but for the rest, the following phased approach should suffice. For simplicity of notation, the aforementioned “customers” will simply be referred to as “PPIYA”: pesky pains in your ass.
Phase I: The Denial
Phase I is fairly straightforward. Simply deny you have any ability to help the PPIYA; e.g.
I’m sorry. I can’t do anything about that.
While not usually effective, there is a class of especially naive PPIYA that will fall for this one, and since the effort required to employ Phase I is minimal (listening to the PPIYA’s actual query, for instance, is not required) the denial should always be your first line of lying defense.
Unfortunately, most PPIYA will not fall for a Phase I approach. In this case, you will need to switch to a more powerful tool.
Phase II: Misdirection
Phase II is a somewhat more demanding form of lying, as it normally requires listening to your PPIYA’s irritating little problem. When used correctly, however, misdirection can be one of the most effective and entertaining means of weeding out the PPIYA.
Misdirection is conceptually simple: refer the unsuspecting PPIYA to an unrelated third party—one who is highly inconvenient to actually communicate but remains plausible enough that your PPIYA won’t suspect a ruse. If your PPIYA is a walk-in, for instance, physical distance is the single most important factor to consider: too close and the PPIYA may actually make the trip; too far, and your victim may choose to phone (or some equally “convenient” technique) instead. For a phone-in PPIYA, IVR wait times must be considered. One especially useful tactic is to choose a party you know to be away on holiday. So long as this party has not named a replacement “to be contacted in their absence,” the holiday referral can consume weeks of your PPIYA’s patience, often driving them off permanently.
Phase III: Mock Sympathy
There is always the danger that a determined PPIYA may return after the Phase II brush-off. At this point, the PPIYA may begin to suspect that you have not been entirely truthful. It is important, therefore, that you catch your PPIYA off-balance using mock sympathy. One effective tactic is to apologize to the PPIYA for the inconvenience, and agree to the unfairness of his (or her) pathetic little complaints, all while maintaining your inability to offer any assistance. It is often convenient at this point to blame technology:
You’re absolutely right. It seems ridiculous to charge a $10 fee on a $2 fine, but the system just won’t let me change it.
Because of your newly sympathetic tone, it can take some time for your PPIYA to realize that you aren’t actually being helpful. All but the most irritating PPIYA will quit at this point, allowing you to return to the all-important task of reading online movie reviews, or forwarding electronic chain letters. There is a tiny PPIYA percentage, however that will survive the first three phases. In this case, a fourth phase is (unfortunately) necessary.
Phase IV: Reluctant Capitulation
A PPIYA that makes it to phase IV is likely immune to the effects of basic lying. While more advanced techniques may occasionally be employed (with varied success), a better use of your time may be to reluctantly capitulate. It is essential at this point, however, to make sure the PPIYA feels that you are doing them a favour. Take care to look over your shoulder to ensure a “supervisor” isn’t looking before fixing the PPIYA with a conspiratorial look. Then tell them something like:
I’m not supposed to do this…
or
I’ll make a special exception for you….
While it never feels good to finish up a Phase IV, you can at least be reassured that PPIYA has, at this point, invested far more time and energy into the customer service adventure than you have.
Conclusion
Lying is an important tool in the arsenal of anyone who needs deal
with the public on a regular basis. By mastering the basic techniques,
lying will enable you to dramatically reduce your workload, while
simultaneously adding variety, and entertainment to your day.
(Thanks to the University of Calgary for inspiring this particular guide.)
Kjell Wooding
May 16, 2006
OOØOOOODCCLVI
May 17th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
So, umm… return that Cosmo from the periodicals section a couple days late again?
May 20th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
It was redbook.