O O Ø O O O O
2007 Dodge Dart
Start with a popular, pre-existing vintage model, preferably one with lasting appeal for baby boomers. Recycling defunct models like this is reasuring for the purchasers, as they don’t have to absorb any new ideas. Like remaking The Poseidon Adventure
For the purposes of this exercise, we’ll use my beloved—and no longer owned—1974 Dodge Dart:
Who’s that knob?
Step 1. Raise the gunwales. The more gangsta, the better. Remove any trace of civility and politeness the original model might have had. We want a vehicle that Holly Golightly wouldn’t be caught dead in, unless she were gagged and tied in the trunk.
For some reason, really deep rocker panels seem to help.
Dangerous!
Step 2. Hide the bumper in a functionally-inert and expensive-to-replace bumper cover. Make it swoopy!
So sleek.
Step 3. Delete the chrome. We don’t want anything detracting from its modern blob-ness.
Mmm…Formless mass.
Step 4. Lose all colours except Champagne.
Grey is the new taupe.
Step 5. Find the angriest bit of metal-wrecking machinery normally reserved for the ends of hydraulic jaws. Put it where the grilled used to be. The effect we’re looking for should be sufficient to send young children scampering for the hills.
Grr-rowl.
Step 6. All the usual bling.
Total swinger.
Step 7. Profit!
Evan Spence
September 26, 2006
OOØOOOODCCLXXXIII