There Ought To Be A Law
Occupying our legislative overlords.
In observing the design evolution of Ford pickup trucks, a friend of mine recently postulated that somewhere in the last thirty years, the basis of truck design switched from feminine to masculine. Perhaps due to some Brokeback NFL urge to ride stallions instead of fillies, trucks have taken on the same clunky aggressiveness as every other vehicle, and the original demure pleasantness has been lost.
A fine point. To which I added: “All trucks should be two-tone.”
Which put me to thinking, that not only is this true, it would be a wonderful subterfuge to occupy the minds and careers of our government leaders. If our legislative bodies were busy enacting laws that do nothing but defend my delicate sense of design decorum, they would be too busy to pass laws affecting important matters.
Forget debating how the government is going to force Canadians to ration scarce government health care, let’s get Harper, Stelmach, et al to decide once and for all whether beer bottlecaps are screw-on or pull-off. No more nasty scratches from absently torquing on a bottle of Stella. Just pick one, fellers!
To this end, I have composed the following list of legislation-worthy items I would like to see enacted, in lieu of the current crop of laws limiting my choice of lightbulbs:
- All vehicle headlights must be round.
- The penny and nickel are no more, to be replaced by the ha’penny.
- Belts match shoes, socks match trousers, and the Double Windsor is the compulsory knot.
- Golf shirts (the jogging pants of the business world) are verbotten.
- You must be this hot to wear low rider jeans.
- All newspapers are tabloid format, so they can be conveniently read on the bus.
- Windsor has to change back its salt box packaging.
- Coke is only available in the six-ounce glass bottles they show in their ads.
- Answering machines: We all know what to do. Never instruct us to leave a detailed message. Double fines apply if the message suggests pressing 1 to leave a call back number.
- Time to de-metrify.
- Suit jackets must have vents.
- Hockey teams have to pick one jersey and stick with it. To be clear, here they are: The current Flames gear minus the lame V-shaped stripes. The original-hued blue and orange Oiler jerseys. The rink+puck number making a comeback in Vancouver. TO’s leafy leaf. The least cartoony of all those awful Senators jerseys. And Montreal, you’ve always behaved.
- Vehicle insignia badges can be no more than 2.5″ in any one dimension. Mercedes, I’m looking in your direction.
- Grapefruit must be eaten in halves.
- Airports can’t be shopping malls anymore, and travellers have to wear suits.
- No more taupe.
- All daschunds must be named either Oscar, or Weiner Dog.
In the end, with politicians making these types of determinations, Canadians may wind up dressed like total and uniform fools, but with government distracted, maybe we can finally get the health care, education and infrastructure we deserve.
ev · PDDCCCXXIV
June 7th, 2007 at 11:13 am
Myself, I like vented pants.