Mailbag
Introducing Yoda.
We get mail? Indeed. And what we lack in volume, we make up for in quality. Or uniqueness. The following emails are in response to my letter to the American Commander In Chief.
Date: Saturday, September 29, 2001
From: Randy Wooding <randywooding@yahoo.com>
Subject: Your Letter to President G.W.BushThis e-mail is written in correct authentication to inform you that I recieved [sic] a copy of your letter to the President of the United States of America. Mr.Spence [sic], it is very important first and foremost to exercise “common sense” and use “practical reliable information” when deploying a letter to such a prominent leader such as the President.
Your grammar is clearly compared to that of a freshman in High School, punctuality is aweful [sic]. Do you really think someone in Washington D.C. will read and take your letter seriously? You must be kidding and you have really wasted time and energy.
Therefore, I warn you now, I hold great power and authority in the United States and other nations abroad, and will seek to find you if you continue such behavior. I will not tolerate such activities that you originate. Furthermore a copy of this e-mail and letter you sent will be forwarded to local authorities and the FBI.
Sincerely,
Well we couldn’t very well not respond to that, could we?
Date: Saturday, September29, 2001
From: Evan Spence <espence@pintday.org>
Subject: Re: Your Letter to President G.W.BushHowdy, young man!
Thank you for your response to my letter. Or more specifically, to the copy of my letter on pintday.org, which contains my email address. The World Wide Weeb is all about good, honest communication between individuals like us.
I’m sorry about the punctuality of the letter: I wasn’t really prepared to write about the events on the day of the tragedy, and this last week was the very next time I took the Pint Day podium. The two week lag could not really be helped, but under normal circumstances I am quite punctual.
Oh! Since you brought up the subject of grammar, you should know that when addressing a Canadian you should use the correct spelling of behaviour.
If you hear back from your Federal Bureau of Investigation, could you please send me a copy of the case number? I will be sure to include it in any further correspondence. I might also put it on pintday.org so everyone can see it!
I am also forwarding a copy of your email and this response to Kjell Wooding, my partner at the mighty pd.o. He was as impressed as I was that someone was actually reading the site. To ensure optimal processing of any additional issues you may have, please be sure to quote your Pint Day reference tracking number. Your number is: ONE.
Are you related to Kjell Wooding? I am sure he would like to know. He does not have any brothers that he knows of. Or maybe that is presumptious of me, because Randy can sometimes be a girl’s name. Please don’t be offended, I just don’t know! That’s another pretty good thing about the Internet: anonymity.
Speaking of which, maybe I am a freshman in high school. Yes?
Yours truly,
Evan Spence
Kjell smells blood:
Date: Sunday, September 30, 2001
From: Kjell Wooding <kjell@pintday.org>
Subject: Re: Fwd: Your Letter to President G.W.Bush“Your grammar is clearly compared to that of a freshman in High School, punctuality is aweful.”
At the pd.o, we strive for the highest levels of grammatical and syntactic correctness. As a result, your complaint was forwarded to our editorial department. In return, they had the following to say:
—— cut here ——
Dear Mr. Wooding:
This e-mail is written in correct authentication to…
We are unsure to which authentication you are referring.
“…inform you that I recieved a copy of your letter to the President of the United States of America.”
“Received” is spelled incorrectly (“I” before “E”, except after “C”)
“Mr.Spence, it is very important first and foremost to…”
There should be a space between “Mr.” and “Spence”. Furthermore, “first and foremost” should be offset with commas, or moved to the start of the sentence.
“exercise “common sense” and use “practical reliable information” when deploying a letter to such a…”
“Deploying” is not the correct word here.
“…prominent leader such as the President.”
The word “such” may be safely omitted from this sentence.
“Your grammar is clearly compared to that of a freshman in High School, punctuality is aweful. Do you…”
This is a comma splice, and “awful” is spelled incorrectly.
“…really think someone in Washington D.C. will read and…”
There is a comma in “Washington, D.C.”
“…take your letter seriously? You must be kidding and you have really wasted time and energy.”
The last sentence is a run on. It should really be split into two.
“I will not tolerate such activities that you originate.”
This would be better stated: “such activities originated by you.”
“Futhermore a copy of this e-mail and letter you sent will be forwarded to local authorities and the FBI.”
You have omitted the word “the” both before the phrase “letter you sent” and “local authorities.”
And finally:
“Therefore, I warn you now, I hold great power and authority in the United States and other nations abroad, and will seek to find you if you continue such behavior.”
We are unsure as to which behaviour you are referring. If you are referring to grammar, then we can but leave you with the immortal words of Phoebe, from the sitcom Friends:
“Hello Kettle? This is Pot. You’re Black.”
Sincerely,
The pd.o editorial staff.
Wait! It gets better!
Date: Monday, October 1, 2001
From: Randy Wooding <randywooding@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Your Letter to President G.W.BushMr. Spence,
This is not a [sic] english [sic] class. I do however know how to write a letter, but this is my private e-mail and have let my guards [sic] down. You mentioned being a freshman in High School and refering [sic]to me as “young man” i [sic] am offended. I am well over in seniority. When you get to my status in life you need to understand that i [sic] really can’t authenticate every letter. When something comes from me it is of an original authentication. You at this time would have no idea what that is because you are not in the international banking sector.
To further advise you, I apologize for offending the way of spelling behavior. I am an American, so there should be any additional conflict there. Being a Vice President of a bank and dealing with international banking operations I must be careful what comes across here. I am closely working with and being monitored with the FBI and other government agencies. I also sent them a copy of the letter and you should be happy to know you pose no threat. If so, trust me we would have found you by now.
I am of no relationship to the other “Wooding” you may know.
Just make sure you and your organization is remote from this site or my address.
After we picked ourselves up off the floor, we decided that we could quite easily turn our mailbag into this week’s content. Maybe we could even fluff it up with a little bait:
Date: Saturday, October 6, 2001
From: Evan Spence <espence@pintday.org>
Subject: Re: Randy Wooding Re: Fwd: Re: Your Letter to President G.W.BushHowdy, Yoda:
Mr. Banker Wooding sir, you will be happy to know that the staff at the pd.o were greatly relieved to hear that we “pose no threat”. I have often said that we are perfectly harmless.
A little while after reading your last letter. I got to wondering about your relationship with the FBI. Is this a red phone type of relationship? Are there scenarios out there where someone at the Pentagon would jump up and say “Holy cow! Get Randy Wooding!”
No, I’m serious Mr. Banker Wooding. Why is the FBI in the pocket of an alleged international banker? Or perhaps more correctly, why would a banker be in the pay of the FBI?
Just what exactly is wrong with America, Mr. Banker Wooding sir? It’s scary. And it’s catching on in Canada. Why, just this week another survey suggested a quarter of the Canadian population wouldn’t mind if police routinely listened to their phone conversations. One quarter, Mr. Banker Wooding!
This deterioration of will to defend civil liberties is just ridiculous, and quite frankly, I wonder if your sudden appearance on the scene isn’t somehow complicit. It’s almost as if this was the enabling event the spooks were looking for.
But I don’t think I’ll follow that thought to its chilling conclusion, Mr. Banker Wooding. It’s too soon, and I would get yelled at.
Also, when did the banks start using Yahoo for their email? No, never mind. This must be your personal correspondence. But then does that mean your first letter was just for kicks and giggles? If so, it was a great success. We had a good long giggle here at the pd.o.
Yes, sir. It’s a good thing that this is not English class. In the early nineties I tutored an English-as-Second-Language student in University. Perhaps English is your second language? Perhaps I could offer the same service to you. I am cheap. Let me know. We could e-mail.
Perhaps I am in [the international banking sector], yes?
Oh, just one more thing, Mr. Banker Wooding sir: All your base are belong to us.
Yours truly,
Evan Spence
And the reply? After thinking for several months that we had scared him off, our man Yoda suddenly popped back into our lives.
ev · PDDXVI
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