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Horoscopes
Capricorn
December 22 - January 20
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons.
Aquarius
January 21 - February 19
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you’re stupid.
Pisces
February 20 - March 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You look confident and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.
Aries
March 21 - April 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scorn advice. You are a prick.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You’re nothing but a goddamn asshole.
Gemini
May 21 - June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you’re cheap. Gemini people are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off and that’s why you will always be on welfare and never worth a shit.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You consider yourself a born leader while others think you’re pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
Libra
September 23 - October 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, more than likely you’re queer. Most Libra women are excellent whores. All Libras die of VD.
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting screwed.