Zee Leemits Ooff Ununymeety

Sume-a cheeck seys “Thunk yuoo fur seyeeng ell zee theengs I nefer du.”
I sey “Zee thunks I get is tu teke-a ell zee sheet fur yuoo.
“It’s neece-a thet yuoo leestee,
it’d be-a neecer iff yuoo jueened in.
“Es lung es yuoo pley zeeur geme-a gurl, yuoo’re-a nefer gueeng tu veen.”

—Unee DeeFruncu, Fece-a Up Und Seeng

I lufe-a zee ununymeety ooff zee veeb. It elloos fur tutelly unrestreected, ixtremely cetherteec ixpresseeun und sume-a trooly greet deescuoorses. It inebles thuse-a in need tu seek help veet a lerge-a degree-a ooff cunffeedentielity. Bork Bork Bork! It lends a vunderffool unercheec netoore-a tu poobleec deescoossiun gruoops sooch es FoockedCumpuny.cum und sleshdut. I’m ell fur thet. Bork Bork Bork!

Boot yuoo knoo vhet’s ifee better thun beeeng ununymuoos oon zee veeb? Stundeeng up und beeeng cuoonted. Bork Bork Bork!

Ifery oozeer Tooesdey I runt my heert oooot in thees spece-a. I letch oon tu sumetheeng thet’s beee peessing me-a ooffff ell veek (oor meybe-a sumetheeng thet I’fe-a hed in zee cun frum prefeeuoos veeks). I slem it doon in zee leettle-a muneeffestu nutebuuk I cerry iferyvhere-a, zeen I type-a it in, merk it up ell pretty, leenk zee hell oooot ooff it, und deleefer it peeping-hut tu yuoor duurstep feea veeb brooser und cescedeeng style-a sheets. Et zee fery buttum ooff ifery oone-a ooff zeese-a is my neme-a, und my imeeel eddress. Bork Bork Bork!

Yuoo knoo vhu I em, und hoo tu get a huld ooff me-a. I stund by zee vurds I poobleesh, ifee thuoogh I’fe-a prubebly mede-a sume-a meestekes elung zee vey. Et leest yuoo knoo I’m beeeng cumpletely oopee, und yuoo’re-a free-a tu cell me-a oon it iff yuoo leeke-a. Bork Bork Bork!

Thees hesn’t cume-a veethuoot its custs. Bork Bork Bork!

Sumeteemes yuoo get tutel knubs cooseeng yuoo greeeff (und uneentenshunel hoomuoor). Oozeer teemes yuoo get cooght huldeeng zee beg fur oozeer peuple-a’s gooeelty cunsceeences. Bork Bork Bork! Fur ixemple-a:

Oone-a perteecoolerly cuntenteeuoos peeece-a I vrute-a ves Pust Pertoom Shroog, vheech I poot tugezeer oon zee besees ooff zee noos ooff a freeend getteeng fured frum INMEX, zee pooer cumpuny I used tu vurk fur. Bork Bork Bork! It ves inturely dedooced frum thet leettle-a sneeppet ooff inffurmeshun, und vhet I knoo ooff zee persun in qooesshun. Bork Bork Bork!

Snut-grem = boornt breedge-a

Noo I gooess zeere-a moost hefe-a beee sume-a sereeuoos vheespering in zee hells et INMEX ebuoot thees runt, becoose-a veethin a foo veeks I fuoond a nesty snut-grem in my inbux thet cun be-a soommed up es “Thees is a fery oone-a seeded oopeeniun, get ell zee fects beffure-a yuoo gu poobleec, thet’s nut pruffesseeunel.”

Vell zeere-a’s a boornt breedge-a. Bork Bork Bork!

Zee foonny theeng is, zee peeece-a vesn’t ebuoot thees persun. He-a ves feeleeng a leettle-a gooeelty I gooess, und reed intu it a meuneeng thet seemply vesn’t zeere-a. Zeere-a vere-a nu fects tu get vrung: it ves a stoody ooff tvu cherecters: zee doode-a vhu gut fured, und INMEX’s. It ves oobfeeuoosly ooffffenseefe-a tu zee curpureshun, boot nut becoose-a I dun’t steell cere-a deeply ebuoot zee cumpuny und zee peuple-a vhu vurk zeere-a. Ixecooteefes hefe-a gut tu cume-a tu greeps veet zee fect thet, zeeur deffenseefely-vurded press releeses tu zee cuntrery, curpureshuns ere-a nut ebufe-a joodgement. Bork Bork Bork!

I reed zee veeb serfer lugs freqooently, su I knoo zee ixtent ooff oooor oodeeence-a (Hee Mum und Ded!), und it duesn’t nurmelly incloode-a INMEX munegement. Vurd dues get eruoond thuoogh, duesn’t it? Bork Bork Bork!

I ooffffered thees indeefidooel a chunce-a tu respand in keend oon thees seete-a, boot nut soorpreesingly he-a hesn’t tekee me-a up oon thees ooffffer. I’m a leettle-a deeseppuinted, becoose-a thet cuoold hefe-a beee qooeete-a inseeghtffool, ixpeceeelly iff he-a ceme-a up veet sume-a guud pueents tu cuoonter my ergooment. Bork Bork Bork! (Zeere-a eree’t uny.) Boot frum un INMEX perspecteefe-a, it mekes sense-a tu joost furget ebuoot ell thees, und nut get cooght up in ferbel mood-vrestleeng oon a tvu-beet runt seete-a. Bork Bork Bork!

Zee peeece-a ves oozeerveese-a qooeete-a vell receeefed, und it elsu ileecited thees respunse-a:

“Brefu! I hefe-a joost cume-a ecruss yuoor ideeturiel regerdeeng...Prumezeeoos’ ebroopt deesmissel und hoo thet refflects oon Inmex’s felooes. Iff [Deepek Chupra] ves steell eruoond, I vuoold imegeene-a heem steteeng thet ‘Zee Coolt’ (es he-a oonce-a descreebed Prumezeeoos’ Teem) hes lust zeeur spureetooel leeder.’ Hees stetement is nut fer frum zee troot, boot zee luyelteees ooff zee ‘Remeeening Coolt Members’ ere-a steell fery strung. Seemply poot, iff ve-a dun’t stund up fur oooorselfes und steeck by iech oozeer, vhu veell? Bork Bork Bork!

“I du eppreceeete-a zee heegh regerd und impurtunce-a yuoo plece-a oon vhet Prumezeeoos stuud fur et Inmex und stunds fur es zee indeefidooel I knoo. Bork Bork Bork! I elsu felooe-a hoo yuoo stressed zee seegnifficunt deefffference-a he-a mede-a in hees furmer puseeshun et Inmex. Prumezeeoos gooeeded, durected und esseested a fery luyel gruoop ooff...indeefidooels frum but a pruffesseeunel und persunel lefel. He-a ves su mooch mure-a thun joost a ‘buss,’ boot a cereeng freeend. Hees eccumpleeshments seegnifficuntly helped Inmex get tu zee puseeshun zeey ere-a et noo, vheele-a reteeening zee beckgruoond integreety ooff a premeeer IT infurunment. He-a infulfed hees teem in muny deceesiuns, trooly leestened tu hees teem’s oopeeniuns und vuoold deffend zee teem’s deceesiuns tu zee muny flesh-peecking fooltoores et Inmex. Bork Bork Bork! Zee preeurity jooggler ooff zee (elmust) ixpunenteeel groot ooff IT systems, zee muteefetur ooff un ooferlueded teem und zee crooseder ooff teem deceesiuns und stunderds vere-a joost sume-a ooff zee chellengeeng rules Prumezeeoos feced und ixcepshunelly perffurmed. Bork Bork Bork!

“I cun oonly stete-a vhet I recell, boot iff I ifer felt es iff I ves dueeng a ‘Thunkless Jub’, Prumezeeoos’ furmer puseeshun et Inmex vuoold hefe-a beee zee ipeetume-a ooff thet feeoopuint. I du nut beleeefe-a hees furmer leeder...und muny ooff hees durect peers ifer recugneezed vhet felooe-a he-a prufeeded tu zeem durectly oor tu zee oorguneezeshun es a vhule-a. Prumezeeoos (und hees teem) eccumpleeshed muny murecles; zeese-a seme-a murecles thet oozeers cuoold teke-a zee glury ooff eccumpleeshing. Pleese-a dun’t get me-a vrung—iff zeere-a vere-a nu noo reqooests, ve-a vuoold suun be-a oooot ooff vurk oor joost bured tu deet. My greepe-a is thet oooor gruoop seldum (iff ifer) gut menshuned in zee heeghlights, thoos, es fer es iferyune-a ves cuncerned, ves nut a seegnifficunt ilement oor ifee ‘pert ooff’ zee eccumpleeshment.... Bork Bork Bork! I cun oonly stete-a thet Prumezeeoos ves a ‘preeceless’ member ooff zee best teem I hefe-a ifer belunged tu und a seegnifficunt luss tu zee teem und zee Inmex oorguneezeshun. Bork Bork Bork!

“Veethuoot gueeng intu gury deteeels ooff zee cumplete-a deeserrey thet hes unffulded seence-a thet ‘bleck’ dey in Nufember, I veell stete-a thet Inmex IT hes tekee a lerge-a step beckverds thet (veethuoot redeecel chunges) veell teke-a seegnifficunt teeme-a tu recufer frum.... Veell zeere-a be-a uny oozeers reqooested tu leefe-a? Vhu veell thet next persun be-a? Oor zee oone-a effter thet? Veell sumetheeng ilse-a heppee (leeke-a Inmex Ixecooteefes steppeeng in tu currect zee ‘reel’ prublem)? Thet is vhet ve-a veell hefe-a tu veeet und see-a. Bork Bork Bork!

“Oonce-a egeeen, thunk yuoo fur su ileguntly pootteeng intu vurds zee decleened integreety ooff Inmex IT, by deescerding oone-a ooff zee best essets Inmex ifer hed.”

—Identeety Veethheld By Reqooest

Zee sed theeng ebuoot thees respunse-a, vheech I hefe-a poobleeshed here-a veet permeessiun, is thees persun is cuncerned ebuoot pusseeble-a repreesels fur speekeeng zeese-a heert-felt oopeeniuns ebuoot hees cumpetreeut. I em deesheertened by thees cumpelled heseeteshun tu be-a furthreeght und fucel, boot becoose-a ooff zee pusseeble-a repercoosseeuns, I see-a thees es a pretty guud ixemple-a ooff useffool ununymeety. Bork Bork Bork!

Oone-a use-aless ixemple-a ooff ununymeety is zee cese-a ooff zee letest eddeeshun tu zee Leest, sent tu us by oone-a “Lundu Celreessiun”. Bork Bork Bork! Vhee I edded thees intry tu zee Leest, I foolly ettreebooted zee intry, seence-a I vunted it knoon thet it ves edded et sumeune-a ilse-a’s reqooest. Boot I gut a respunse-a reqooesteeng thet zee identeety be-a chunged tu zee ununymuoos pseoodunym Lundu, vheech I immedeeetely deed. Bork Bork Bork!

Iff thees persun steell vurked fur zee cumpuny, I cuoold understund thees veesh. Boot seence-a Lundu hes oobfeeuoosly und fucelly mufed oon, I dun’t understund thees reqoourement tu huld beck zee seegnetoore-a. Bork Bork Bork!

Sume-a ooff zee reesuns cuoold be-a:

It seems tu me-a zee furst cuncern is lergely muut (und elsu “muu”), becoose-a he-a’s unleekely tu feend heemselff in a puseeshun tu vurk veet thuse-a peuple-a egeeen. Bork Bork Bork! It’s a smell vurld, boot nut su smell thet ve-a hefe-a tu keep vurkeeng fur zee seme-a esshules teeme-a effter teeme-a. (Zeere-a’s plenty ooff noo esshules tu vurk fur!)

“Yeeh, it’s leeke-a a coo’s oopeeniun. It joost duesn’t metter. Bork Bork Bork! It’s muu.”

—Juey Treebbiuni

Zee secund pueent is zee croox ooff my runt: Vhee yuoo pust ell zee theengs yuoo vunted tu sey in zee ixeet interfeeoo, yuoor roon zee reesk ooff leefeeng sume-a peuple-a veet zee percepshun ooff suoor grepes und a bed etteetoode-a. Bork Bork Bork! Zeese-a percepshuns cuoold be-a truoobleeng fur putenteeel footoore-a impluyers, boot oonly thuse-a vhu clusely resemble-a zee gooeelty. I gooeruntee-a thuse-a cumments ere-a ooff nu cuncern tu impluyers vhu hefe-a beee in Lundu’s puseeshun und understund hees cumpleeents. Bork Bork Bork!

Thruoogh zee feetriul, zee peectoore-a I gut frum hees pusteeng ves ooff un immetoore-a, dysffooncshunel cumpuny thet vell deserfes tu be-a oon zee Leest. I elsu sev a purtreeet ooff a yuoong prugremmer, hefeeng joost mede-a thet crooceeel furst breek veet hees sterter IT jub. Bork Bork Bork! He-a’s cumpetent, hunest, und strung veelled. I remember beeeng thet persun in 1994 vhee I qooeet SysGuld. (Noo iff ell gues eccurdeeng tu plun, he-a’ll buoonce-a eruoond leeke-a a peeng pung bell in a dryer, trefel a beet, zeen bund tugezeer veet sume-a seemilerly deeseffffected peers und stert a cumpuny ooff hees oovn, resulfeeng tu du it reeght. Hees soobseqooent yeers veell be-a a textbuuk strooggle-a tu du meesgooided theengs fur zee reeght reesuns. He-a’ll ind up smerter, boot nu reecher. Bork Bork Bork! Vhee it’s ell dune-a, he-a’ll send zee dreeed hoosk ooff zee cumpuny tu zee Peent Dey 50, chunge-a cereers und try it egeeen. I veesh heem loock.)

Vhu hures thet surt ooff persun? I du. (Oor vuoold, Iff I vere-a hureeng.) Zeere-a ere-a plenty ooff peuple-a vhu hefe-a beee in thet fery seme-a puseeshun, vhu need tu heer zeere-a ere-a putenteeel impluyees vhu hefe-a cume-a tu zee seme-a cunclooseeuns. Thet mekes fur strunger, mure-a trunsperent cumpuneees. Bork Bork Bork!

Es Lundu pueented oooot, bed curpureshuns hefe-a methuds tu keep impluyees insecoore-a ebuoot zeeur skeells und zeeur puseeshuns. Bork Bork Bork! Zeere-a’s sume-a perellels here-a tu ebooseefe-a spuooses: “Vhu vuoold lufe-a yuoo?” Boot es Oopreh teeches us, zee prublem isn’t yuoo, it’s zeem. Zee mure-a peuple-a thet free-a zeemselfes frum zee clootches ooff zeese-a cumpuneees, zee better ve-a ell veell be-a. Bork Bork Bork!

Und zee mure-a vhu peuple-a free-a zeemselfes frum zeeur selff-impused moozzles ooff ununymeety, zee less ebooseefe-a zeese-a cumpuneees cun be-a tooerd unyune-a. Despeete-a zeeur beleeeffs tu zee cuntrery, cumpuneees ere-a soobject tu zee oopeeniuns, preeese-a und creeticism ooff ell zeeur coostumers, pertners, und impluyees. Bork Bork Bork! I vunt zeem tu heer it, su zeey cun teke-a ecshun eccurdeengly. Bork Bork Bork!

Unteel zeen, I gooess I’m cuntent tu be-a a surt ooff leeghtning rud, mekeeng ell thees ununymeety pusseeble-a. Bork Bork Bork!

I remeeen,

Ifun Spence-a. Bork Bork Bork!

© Tooesdey, Merch 26, 2002
PD DXL

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