The List

There is only one list. Good or bad depends on whether you believe in the afterlife. —rw

Oh, you needed that cab today?

Checker Cabs was created when he realized that taxi service in Calgary was falling short of customer expectations.
—Checker’s Web Site

Okay. So the dispatcher bent the truth a bit on the first one: 10-15 minutes became 25. I can live with that. But then you drove right past the guy waving at you from the side of the road. I realize that the directions “Brentwood station, by the Wendy’s” might be a little ambiguous, but when I’m standing at the bus stop, next to the pay phone, in front of the Wendy’s waving at you, you might think to stop.

So I call your dispatcher, and ask where the hell you got to. I get a mumbled apology, a clarification of the pick-up spot, and a promise of “a few minutes.”

Another 20 minues elapses. I’m out of change. My cellphone is dead. I’m pissed right off. So I hoof it back to the Kilkenny. The bartender is kind enough to call me a cab. And then I hear the words that make my already cold blood run colder:

“It’ll be about 10 minutes. It’s a Checker cab.”

I gave you half an hour. I am now an hour and a half into this stupid game. Yes, I could have caught the C-Train and walked the 20 minutes home from the station, but I didn’t want my wife to wake up (again) and be worried about me. This was supposed to be the fast way. So now I have a choice. The last train leaves the station in 4 minutes. I can just make it if I sprint. Then your competition pulls up. His fare doesn’t seem to be around. He offers me a lift. “So, out of curiosity, how long ago did you get the call?” I ask.

“Oh, it took me about 2 minutes to get here,” comes the reply.

Three phone calls. Hour and a half. No ride. Associated made it in under 5.

Welcome to the list, Checker. You’ve earned it.

The Parisienne in Calgary

This clothing shop sold my wife a wedding dress. Had that been it, we probably would have had nice things to say about them. However, they then proceeded to high-pressure a pile of nonessential, and non-matching accessories into the sale. Upon getting the shawl and gloves home, and realizing they didn't remotely match the dress, my wife attempted to return them.

“All sales final,” she was told. Understandable if it was a custom dress, but off-the-rack accessories? The store owner refused to budge on this point, claiming “You may have worn them.”

Nice try, except you still have the wedding dress. Eventually, I (the future husband) had to go down to the shop to play bad cop. Then good cop. Then Better Business Bureau cop. Then be-loud-enough-so-every-customer-in-the-store-can-hear-you cop. Slowly, the story changed from “You may have worn them,” to “the month-end is already done” to “If I make an exception for you, I have to make one for everyone.” Finally, when cornered on the issue of high-pressure tactics, she relented, and said “Fine. We can make an exchange, but it has to be today.”

Apparently, the pressure tactics come from the top.

In the end, we received store credit. The owner clearly did not give two shits if we ever came back. Brides, avoid this store at all costs.

The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation
The stupid bastards who slapped a 7-second delay on Coach's Corner after Don Cherry made a “racist” comment about Frenchmen and visors. Have you been broadcasting long? Tape delays are for bleeping out a caller or guest's profanity, not commentary from your host. I can see it now: “Hey wait, I think perhaps that last comment was a little offensive. Maybe I should... damn. 7 seconds elapsed again.” Besides which, you hired him for his controversy. Or is it somehow different if he says Swede in place of Frenchman?
Kevin Spielman
Also known as Harlen Management, Eagle Management, or whatever numbered company he happens to be hiding behind this month. If this guy is managing your condominium, you are in deep shit. If you ignore the (ahem) questionable invoices, shady accounting practices, and abuses of trust funds, this man had the audacity to threaten a Condo Board after it informed him his contract would not be renewed. Of course, this should probably be expected from a guy who moves his company's main office every three months. Kevin seems to live by the motto that if you don't actually keep any records, no-one can come after you. Still, he must be doing something right—he did manage to build a million-dollar house. Strange the way that his sub-contractors seemed to receive unapproved overpayments from condominium funds during that period. I wonder what happens if you add it all up?
My Asshole Neighbour
Yes, you who decided that throwing several months worth of tree clippings into the common area behind your unit was a proper method of disposal. What are you, nine? And no, it doesn't make it better if you do it at midnight. It's garbage day, moron. Carry it to the friggin curb.
Psycho Info Bitch
(To the woman working at the information desk at the west entrance of the outpatient ward of the Halifax Infirmary at approximately 16:30 on Saturday, May 11, 2002) Listen: I am delivering flowers to someone who is sick in yoru hospital. I only have the recipient’s name. When I ask you where to find him, and you know where he is, because your console tells you, it’s your job to help me get him his flowers. So. When you blurt out “7.1 bed 24,” and I say “Pardon me,” don’t write the numbers 7.1 and 24 on a slip and hand it to me. When I ask you where that is, don’t say “Building seven.” Point it out on the map in front of you. When I ask “Is building seven the QEII Centre For Clinical Research?” as I surmise from your map, and it isn’t, don’t say “Yes.” When I point to a place on the map and ask “Is this building seven?” don’t make yourself complicit in my confusion by agreeing that it is, when what I need to hear is “Actually, I meant floor seven, in the building in which I’m sitting.” I don’t know why I ask, since you’re obviously the embodiment of pure evil, but why would you want to prevent the flower guy from delivering to patients? The security dude at the QEII Centre For Clinical Research—who actually helped me—told me to go back and give you the what-for, but it was late in the day, the day before Mother’s Day, and I still had six more deliveries off the peninsula. So I’ve listed you instead. Your children probably hate you too, which is why I didn’t have any flowers for you.
Verisign
You know they deserve it.
Marc Bell
For raping a company that had incredible potential (did you really think the stock price wouldn't tank when you sold $160M of your shares?), telling its employees to behave one way and doing whatever the fuck you pleased no matter who noticed (boy I wish the SEC paid more attention), giving your friends who were out to fuck you everything they wanted and more (I bet you can drive a truck up your ass by now), and generally being a turd. Oh wait—I just described pretty much everyone in the .com boom who was in it for the money—maybe you should have been a banker.
Sean Prime
The list would like to welcome the fraudulent builder who conspired to weasel my brother-and-sister-in-law out of their down payment, and ultimately their house. He was last seen operating under the pseudo-corporate guise of Advantage Construction. This shit comes around, asshole. Welcome to the list.
Coldwell Banker
Your complicity in the above mess is due to your recommendation and subsequent inaction.
The Haligonian prick who ripped off my custom European licence plate
Do you think a Swedish plate that says 0R3G0N means anything to anyone but me? Fuckwad.
The Security Guards at the Vancouver Airport
Give me my booze, you thieving bastards
Royal Bank
Thanks for the phone call before you started dishing out funds from our account, cunts.
Jawz Technologies (Kaput.)
Where’s the fucking monkey you owe us?
TD Canada Trust
Thanks for briefly considering our business plan. Our asses hurt.
Canadian Imperial Bank Of Commerce
The worst of a bad bunch.
Bank Of Nova Scotia
Just for being a bank.
Bank Of Montreal
Ever heard of a thing called system integration?
Microsoft
Well duh.
Shaw Cable
Your expected wait time for this call is: 57 minutes.
TELUS

Actual conversation: “We need a routable IP.” “Why, are you trying to be an ISP?” No, idiots, we’re trying to use DSL like it“s intended. Now fuck off so we can call CADVision.

02-09-01: And once again for buying CADVision

03-04-07: And again, for over 24 hours of downtime in two months.

04-02-26: And another 15 hours last night.

CADVision (Kaput.)
So much potential. So few brains.
Canada Post
Well that’s not actually a guaranteed delivery date.
Canada Customs and Revenue Agency
At least buy us dinner first.
ICF Consulting
Dishonesty as business strategy.
Air Canada
Create a monopoly, jack the fares 40%, base your fares on US equivalents regardless of actual costs, fuck your customers whenever and however possible, and plead your woes to the federal government when you realize you’re out of money and there’s a terrible horrible incident on which to blame the mess you created.

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